| Speech Control
Yes folks.. It's me again.-ggg-
It is about time that we instituted sensible speech control legislation in America. Of course, I wish to stress in the clearest possible terms that I do not seek to ban speech. I merely advocate federal regulation of speech. Who could object to that? We regulate cars, don't we? And we license drivers. Why not license a far more lethal weapon - human vocal chords?
Common Sense Regulation.
First, we need a background check on any writer or speaker before he or she is permitted to write a column or make a public statement. We will, of course, create a national computer system to provide an instant background check. But if the computer system should go down, as such systems sometimes do, the would-be writer or speaker will just have to wait. It's just one of the minor inconveniences any writer or speaker will have to learn to cope with for the greater good. We also need a national system for registering pens and pencils, as well as the more technologically advanced weapons of speech, such as recording devices and personal computers. These more dangerous speech weapons are to be classified as "automatic or semi-automatic machine pens," also known as "communicative assault weapons." Without such a national system in place, anyone could go to a state with less restrictive speech laws and buy these potential weapons of unregulated speech, in addition to the ammunition for those weapons, like ink, paper, compact discs, or software from giant monopolistic computer companies.
First Amendment Myths.
The First Amendment states: "Congress shall make no law ... abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press..." That may appear to be the very plainest English. But the true meaning of the amendment is actually quite complicated, with lots of gray areas. Anti-speech-control extremists always gloss over the crucial term "abridging." Once you understand the historical context and meaning of the word abridge, you will understand that the First Amendment actually means that there must be restrictions on speech especially divisive speech. The notion that the First Amendment guarantees a broad, individual right to speak one's opinion is based on disinformation by speech nuts and First Amendment crazies.
These extremists, in fact, are living in the past. Americans no longer communicate standing on soapboxes, as they did in the 18th century. Today, citizens' grievances are easily communicated to their elected representatives via Algore's remarkable invention, "e-mail." The hard drives used to store these electronic messages have been inspected numerous times by computer experts intensively trained at the Los Alamos research facility. Also today, town meetings with politicians are skillfully screened to guarantee the proper representation of audience members' opinions.
Besides, we all know that the rights guaranteed by the Constitution have never been absolute. No one, for example, is permitted to yell "Liar!" in a crowded theater in which the President, Vice President, or First Lady is delivering an address.
ID Tags for Speech Weapons.
The technology to implement this may not yet exist, but we must create legislation now to ensure its development. Every ballpoint pen, microphone, computer keyboard in the country must be registered with its legal user's fingerprints, so that only the registered owner would be able to use that particular weapon of speech. If some other person attempted to commit speech, the ink would be blocked or the electrical current to the microphone or keyboard shut off. Thus, stolen weapons of speech would become useless, and could not be used to harm anybody in the course of a hate crime.
Stiffer Sentences for Speech Crimes.
Complete ban of the use of the tongue should be resorted to in cases of incorrigible repeat offenders, although this penalty will likely be rare outside the Bible Belt.
The Speech Show Loophole.
Believe it or not, right now in your neighborhood, someone is planning to sell a pen, walkie talkie or other instrument of speech to someone else, no questions asked. Is the buyer underage? Does he have a record of domestic violence? These are questions the purchaser will not be asked, and the failure to ask them can cause weapons of speech to land in the wrong hands, with the easeof handing over a wad of cash. Due to poorly-written laws, a category known as "private dealers" exists. Anyone who wants to sell, say, the notorious Royal Alpha 610 with extra large ribbon cartridge from his or her "private collection" need not conduct background checks, keep any records, or find out if the buyer is qualified or knowledgeable about speech in any way. In addition, some speech weapons dealers sponsor shows where legitimate dealers sell pens side by side with the so-called private dealers. These shows are a place where those planning to commit hate speech crime are able to meet unlicensed sellers and avoid the very laws meant to cut down on speech violence!
It is time, my friends, to remedy this sad state of affairs.
We have nothing to lose but our freedoms.
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