THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NORTHERN AND SOUTHERN FOOTBALL
WOMEN'S ACCESSORIES
North: Chap stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, water-proof mascara, and
a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary since that's what dates are for.
STADIUM SIZE
North: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
FATHERS
North: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath
South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
CAMPUS DECOR
North: Statues of founding fathers.
South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.
HOMECOMING QUEEN
North: Also a physics major.
South: Also Miss USA
HEROES
North: Mario Cuomo
South: Charles "Charlie Mac" MacClendon
GETTING TICKETS
North: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus
and purchase tickets.
South: 5 months before the game walk into the ticket office on campus
and put name on waiting list for tickets.
FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME
North: Students and teachers are not sure if they are going to the game,
because they have classes on Friday.
South: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the
few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
PARKING
North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game
parking.
South: RV's sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for
the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
GAME DAY
North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast and rushes over
to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on
camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why "Game Day Live" is
never broadcast from their campus.
TAILGATING
North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local
radio station with truck tailgate down.
South: 30 foot custom pig shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking
accompanied by live performance by "Steve Riley and the Mamou Playboys,"
who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
GETTING TO THE STADIUM
North: You ask "Where's the stadium?". When you find it, you walk right
in.
South: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the
state's third largest city.
CONCESSIONS
North: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it.
Filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
North: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand
up.
South: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect harmony.
THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE
North: Nothing changes.
South: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
COMMENTARY (MALE)
North: "Nice play."
South: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!"
COMMENTARY (FEMALE)
North: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
South: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!"
ANNOUNCERS
North: Neutral and paid.
South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a
tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
AFTER THE GAME
North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
South: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to
the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins
for next week's game. |
