WELLLLL, you COULD have supplied one with THAT post!
"There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" —Craig Kilborn
"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." —Conan O'Brien
"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'" —Jay Leno
"Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, 'How am I gonna beat this guy?" —David Letterman
"Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign." —David Letterman
"President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.' " —Craig Kilborn
"The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry." —Jon Stewart
"John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message." —David Letterman
"Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." —Craig Kilborn
"Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment." —Jay Leno
"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." —Craig Kilborn
"Kerry's said all these foreign leaders said they want him to win, but Kerry hasn't even been out of the country in a year and a half, which means the only possible foreign leader he could have met with is Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Jay Leno
"John Kerry said that a lot of world leaders want him to be the president and the Bush administration said, 'Yeah, well, like who?' and John Kerry said, 'Well, I can't say really.' So, now they're really hammering John Kerry and listen to this, the only name he could come up with? Queen Latifah." –David Letterman
"John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80 million before the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife's purse." –Conan O'Brien
"John Kerry met with Al Sharpton. Can you see the two of them standing together? It'd look like Abe Lincoln with Ruben from American Idol." –Jay Leno
"Of course, it is still eight months to election day, but the campaign is starting to fall into its own natural rhythm: falsely macho Kerry comment, falsely indignant Bush response." –Jon Stewart
"John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing while a microphone was on. And now he's been backpedaling. So now he's hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry's microphone is off. It's the same guy that used to watch Clinton's fly." –David Letterman
"John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He's going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her — at her bank." –Jay Leno
"John Kerry said today that he stands by ... his claim that certain foreign leaders have told him that they hope he wins. And George Bush fired back. He said oh yeah, certain Supreme Court justices have told me that I'm going to win." –Jay Leno
"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." –Jay Leno
"Please, John Kerry, stop rolling up your sleeves like you're about to man a register at Costco. You're a Boston Brahmin who married not one, but two eccentric heiresses. You're not Joe Sixpack; you're Claus Von Bulow." –Bill Maher
"In a speech yesterday John Kerry said that before November he may go to Iraq. Is that a good idea for him to go to Iraq? You thought Bush didn't have a reason to bomb Iraq before." –Jay Leno
"John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he's one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it more like one in a trillion?" –Jay Leno
"Remember last week when John Kerry wanted to be the second black president since Clinton was considered the first black president. A civil rights leader has come forward and asked him to apologize. He says Kerry is a white man born to privilege and says he has no idea what the black experience is like. Today Kerry said, 'Yo chill out brother, why you dissin' me like that?'" –Jay Leno
John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked, lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician." –Jay Leno
"John Kerry was in Florida this week, reaching out and talking with elderly voters. You know, I think it made Kerry a little uncomfortable to be with these elderly people. He finally got a chance to see what he'd look like without Botox." –Jay Leno
"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." –Jay Leno |
