Next 'No Kings' Protest To End By 4 P.M. So Everyone Can Get Home In Time For 'Matlock'
POLITICS·Oct 22, 2025 · BabylonBee.com
U.S. — According to sources, the next "No Kings" protest is expected to end no later than 4 p.m. so that everyone in attendance can get home in time for Matlock.
The "No Kings" movement, which is primarily comprised of elderly caucasian men and women, is reportedly focused on resisting what they perceive as increasingly authoritarian moves by President Donald Trump at any cost — well, any cost but Matlock.
"I want to watch Matlock!" said Andy Wilson, a boomer. "What's the point of saving American democracy if we lose Matlock?"
Matlock, currently in its 30th year of syndication, is about a defense lawyer with a folksy old-world charm who doesn't just defend his client -- he finds the real killer. Played by Andy Griffith, the character of Ben Matlock is a down-to-earth attorney rooted in traditional values, unlike the protestors who like his show.
"He charges a $100,000 retainer but he's worth it," Lillian Gates, president of the Official Matlock Fan Club, said. "He once tried a case where the judge turned out to be the real killer. That's the very definition of must-see TV!"
An elderly woman, clad in a shirt proclaiming "I'm Here To Kill Trump And Watch Matlock... And I'm All Out Of Matlock," said, "Donald Trump is an existential threat to our very existence as a nation and we must do whatever we can to stop him, but not if Matlock is on."
"No king but Matlock!" she added.
According to experts, Matlock is the life and blood of the justice system, which is why he's so appealing to the elderly. "He represents justice, which is why it's so weird they like him so much," said entertainment critic Don Wilhelm. "Matlock would never go for the sort of mob justice they advocate."
At publishing time, boomers had turned on each other after disagreeing about whether the rebooted Matlock starring Kathy Bates was considered Matlock-canon. |
