Mitt Romney Eats Boston Market for Thanksgiving Because Oh Who Cares Anymore
Posted by Adriana Velez on December 3, 2012 at 12:23 PM
 Have you seen this man? He may be riding his bike through your neighborhood right now. Or pumping gas at your local station. Or haunting the aisles of your local CVS. Or buying Thanksgiving dinner at Boston Market. He's Mitt Romney. And he lost the election.
His hair is messier now. He seems a little lost. He's been seen screaming his head off at Disneyland. And if help doesn't come soon Romney may be faced with the awful condition that afflicts too many failed presidential candidates: Goredom. Yes, Goredom: The shock of losing coupled with utter boredom with your post-campaign life.
What do you do after Karl Rove tells you you can't lose but you lose anyway? Romney had no plan B, and this is what life looks like if you have no plan B. And also if you're incredibly wealthy. But mostly the no plan B part. Romney joins the likes of Al Gore, great men who love winning, who never saw their defeat coming, and who don't know what's next.
Like Gore, Romney has no political office to return to, no businesses to run, no important positions that demand his attention. He's not interested in re-entering politics, even to help the Republican party re-brand itself. Friends say he spends his days quietly in introspection, tooling around La Jolla on his bike and grabbing Ann from behind for desperate, needy bear hugs.
Ann hates those needy bear hugs. But she probably needs them. According to friend, Ann truly believed her next home would be the White House, and she cries all the time. She was too depressed to cook Thanksgiving dinner! Who is there for Ann Romney? Besides that big mopey guy who's been wearing that same blue t-shirt for a week now and who broke down sobbing while giving the Thanksgiving dinner blessing. Ugh. Ann has been spending a lot of time with the horses.
It's an inconvenient truth: Romney feels like a loser and has nothing to do all day, two conditions that are totally unfamiliar to him. And there's no support network for the new-to-losing. That's why we're asking you today to give what you can to the Goredom Foundation. Because no one wants to see Mittens grow a beard and put on weight.
What do you think Mitt Romney will do with his life after he recovers?
Image via Facebook
About the author Adriana Velez is a staff writer who dabbles in food, parenting, news, entertainment, molecular biology, and anything else that that pops into her head. She lives with her elementary school-aged son in Brooklyn, land of urban farms and artisan everything.
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Filed Under: 2012 election, in the news, mitt romney
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ec 3, 2012 at 3:20 PM
"grabbing Ann from behind for desperate, needy bear hugs"\\ |
