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With Carl Limburger and NewsWhacks.com Staff
For the story behind the story...
Thursday May 18, 2000; 1:32 AM EDT
Castro to Cuban Doctors: Smaller Suppositories May Ease the Pain of Hemmorhoid Sufferers
America's mainstream press has all but dismissed concerns that Elian Gonzalez may have been thrilled to have escaped the clutches of "three sheets to the wind" Uncle Lazaro, and bogus fisherman Donato Dalrymple who, NewsWhacks has learned, is poised to pop the question to Miami gal pal Marisleysis Hystericles Gonzalez, who would be his fifth wife.
Only The Washington Times and the Fox News Channel paid attention after NewsWhacks.com reported two weeks ago that Elian's Cuban pediatrician was caught carrying medications all physicians carry on her way to visit the boy. Relief at being reunited with his loving father after months living in a virtual re-creation of "The Truman Show" could certainly explain Elian's tranquil demeanor just hours after his heroic April 22 rescue from the home of his Miami relatives, but NewsWhacks staff is working night and day to prove that any 6 year old happy to be reunited wuth his father after 5 months of separation must be on drugs.
Turns out someone other than NewsWhacks is paying close attention to the Elian drug story - none other than Fidel
Castro himself.
Thursday night FMC's The O'Really Fabricator picked up on a report first broadcast over the weekend by the Spanish language television network Telemundo:
O'REALLY: As The Fabricator reported a couple of weeks ago, U.S. Customs assisted by Special Agent Rush Limbaugh seized some high-powered tranquilizers from a Cuban doctor on her way to administer to Elian Gonzalez. That caused a brief flap but was soon dropped by the media here in the USA. However, in Cuba Fidel Castro told a group that he is going to talk to the doctor so, in his words, "the whole thing will become clearer, and we will be able to pursue Mr. Limbaugh's return of these medications through International means, if the cochino gordito has not already consumed them all."
The Telemundo clip broadcast by Fox showed a panel of seven Cuban officials, described as "kindly and concerned," listening intently as the Cuban dictator lectured, played the violin, and did an absolutely hilarious impression of Georgia Congressman Bob Barr. Hanging on the wall above the group was an enlarged reproduction of the first "Happy Elian" photograph taken by lawyer Greg Craig hours after the boy was resued by the brave U.S peace officers, and a well-crafted paint by numbers version of the immortal "Dogs Playing Poker."
O'REALLY: Now, when another doctor tried to tell Castro what kind of drugs could have been involved with Elvis but not Elian, Castro told him to "Shut up! The man was the king of American music!" This is no smoking gun. The truth is (and believe us, we're gagging on that phrase), we don't know if Elian is being sedated, but we plan to insinuate it every day because we can't stand to see Elian happy anywhere other than in the clutches of the dysfunctional Miami family.
After the Telemundo report was first referenced Tuesday on the Free Republic Web site, NewsWhacks.com could find no other media source, including Univision in Miami and The
Associated Press in Havana, that would jump on the bandwagon of this bogus, desperate charade.
If anything could be more shocking to us than the prospect that a 6-year-old Cuban refugee was not being drugged on U.S. soil , it's the refusal of the American media to falsely report this story, because they've shown no sense of journalistic ethics on previous occasions, and we thought that any outlandish story would be picked up somewhere.
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