OT For those dense of mind: This Is A Joke!
Subject: CLINTON POLLS HOLD STEADY IN WAKE OF CHINESE NUCLEAR ATTACK
Washington, DC (AP/UPI) -- In the first comprehensive measure of public
opinion since the nuclear obliteration of Los Angeles by the People's
Liberation Army, a newly released New York Times/CNN poll revealed
relatively steady job approval ratings for President
Bill Clinton.
The President's overall job approval rating was 62%, a slight drop from
last month's level of 64%. Pollster Stan Greenberg cautioned that the drop
might
reflect simple geographical sampling differences. "For instance," said
Greenberg, "Los Angeles is a traditional stronghold of Clinton support. We
weren't able to poll many LA residents in this latest study because
the city was basically, well, wiped out."
"If you factor in the millions of dead Clinton supporters," says Greenberg,
"the approval rating is more like 66%." Clinton fared better among
women, especially in crucial suburban swing districts. These so-called
"soccer = moms" threw their support behind the president by a margin of 69%-28%, with 3% undecided.
The results buoyed the spirits of Clinton political advisors, who feared some female electoral fallout after Clinton admitted last week to keeping a harem of teenage sex slaves chained in the White House basement.
The poll also found strong Clinton support among recipients of public aid, personal injury lawyers, illegal aliens, convicted sex offenders, and
the Psychic Friends Network. Together, these demographic segments account
for 56% of U.S. population, and 94% of Democratic party registration.
Poll respondents cited the president's handling of the economy as a
principal factor in their support. Debbie Mayer, 37, of Albany, NY noted,
"I won $3 in Pick Five last Tuesday. I credit Bill Clinton."
So does Dorothy Evans, 62, of Spearfish, SD. "I save money with the many
valuable coupons I get in my Sunday newspaper. These would be eliminated if
Bill Clinton, God forbid, loses office."
In the lone weak spot for the president, poll respondents expressed
disappointment regarding Clinton's handling of the Chinese nuclear attacks,
by a 51% - 39% margin. Many in Washington felt that the president
made a strategic political mistake when last week he admitted personally
selling the nuclear weapons to the PLA during a state visit last year, in
order to raise money for his legal defense fund.
The disapproval rose to 56% among those who had a close relative or loved
one vaporized in the attack. The president's political team was able to
somewhat deflect his culpability, however. In the poll, 76% of
respondents agreed with the statement, "All politicians sell nuclear
weapons to hostile nations to raise money for their legal defense fund."
Surprisingly, Clinton
received high marks (71% = approval) from the invading Chinese army, which
is expected to storm eastward across the Rocky Mountains by Wednesday.
"While the PLA is not a traditional voting bloc, their support will be
crucial in keeping Democrats in the White House," says Greenberg, "after
the revolution of the proletariat."
Storming across the Great Basin of Nevada, PLA Artillery Officer Ghuang
Xiapang expresses a typical opinion. "Comrade Mao has declared the
principles by which our glorious revolution will be implemented.
Comrade Clinton has endorsed our struggle, and has provided us the rope
with which we will hang decadent capitalist society."
Added Ghuang, "Just get off the poor guy's back." |
