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Politics : Proof that John Kerry is Unfit for Command
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To: redfish who wrote (1003)8/18/2004 10:26:28 AM
From: Andrew N. Cothran   of 27181
 
CHENEY URGES AMERICANS TO SEND HIM THEIR MONEY FOR SAFEKEEPING

Will Protect Assets Until Threat Has Passed

In the face of terror threats to America’s financial institutions, Vice President Dick Cheney today urged all Americans to send him their money for safekeeping until the danger has passed.

In a nationally televised address, Mr. Cheney said that in the current climate the only safe place for Americans to put their money “is with me.”

Using a chart and pointer reminiscent of real estate infomercials, Mr. Cheney gave a series of easy-to-follow instructions showing the American people how to transfer all of their worldly assets to him via check, wire transfer, or big bags of money.

“Your money will he invested personally by me in high-yield, no-bid Iraqi reconstruction contracts,” Mr. Cheney said.

In other terrorism news, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge announced today that the Homeland Security Department would soon replace the much-maligned terror alert color code with an official cry of “wolf.”

Mr. Ridge demonstrated five different cries of “wolf” to correspond to the various threat levels, from a barely audible whisper of “wolf” meaning “low” to a full-throated scream of “wolf” indicating “severe.”

“These new wolf cries will go into effect tomorrow, assuming there is a tomorrow,” Mr. Ridge said.

Mr. Ridge also confirmed reports that the latest terror alerts were based on information found on a computer that turned up last week on “Antiques Roadshow.”

Finally, President Bush backed away from his call to name a new terrorism czar, saying it was too important a job to be entrusted to a Russian.

politicalhumor.about.com
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