Dave Barry
Rectite: A Radical Poultry Concept
We are approaching the Thanksgiving holiday, when we pause to reflect in our blessings by eating pretty much nonstop for an entire day, then staggering off to bed, still chewing, with wads of stuffing clinging to our hair.
It's a spiritual time, yes, but it also can be a tragic time if an inadequately cooked turkey gives us salmonella poisoning, which occurs when tiny turkey-dwelling salmon get into our blood, swim upstream and spawn in our brains. (This is probably what happened to Ross Perot.)
That's why the American Turkey and Giblet Council recommends that, to ensure proper preparation, you cook your turkey in a heated oven at least two full quarters of the Vikings-Lions game, then give a piece to your dog and observe it closely for symptoms such as vomiting, running for president, etc.
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WARNING TO TASTEFUL READERS: You should NOT - I repeat, NOT - read the rest of this column if you are likely to be in any way offended by the term "turkey rectums."
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