friday funnies...
TOP 10 REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
10. You can trade an old .44 for two new .22's.
9. You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.
8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be
impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.
7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.
5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.
3. A handgun won't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A
WOMAN:
1. You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
Redneck Rules for Calling "Shotgun"
If there are to be two or more passengers when traveling by automobile, one must call out "shotgun" in order to secure for him/herself the right front passenger seat. This seat is obviously the most desirable.
It offers such advantages as:
~ more leg room
~ own personal vanity mirror
~ ease of egress and ingress
~ social prestige
~ panoramic view
~ air-bag safety feature
~ better aim for throwing beer bottles at stop signs
~ rapid exit in case of beer-retainment reversal
Historically, the shotgun position originated during the days of the horse-drawn wagon. Since the driver had to handle the reins, another person with a shotgun was needed next to him/her to fend off attacks from bandits, outlaws, and galloping Amway salesmen.
The Rules:
1. Even if the other passenger is your grandmother with a broken leg, if she does not call "shotgun" first, her butt is going into the back seat.
2. If two people call "shotgun" at the same time, a fistfight
will determine the ultimate winner--unless the contestants are girls. In that case, the trip is put off while the men get to watch them fight, or a "pout-off" can be held instead.
3. If the trip is interrupted for over 4 minutes (ie. fuel or potty
stops), the "shotgun" passenger loses all of his/her rights, and open
season on the coveted position begins again.
4. A "shotgun" winner must expect and be willing to put up with a large portion of physical harassment from the backseat "shotgun" loser. Scratching, hair pulling, and attempts at strangulation are all fully legal and come with the territory.
5. Pre-'shotgun" calling is strictly prohibited and punishable by worse
that what you get for pulling the tag off a mattress.
6. A "shotgun" call from a 265-pound linebacker automatically cancels out a "shotgun" call from anybody else.
The Invisible man wanted to know where he came from. He consulted a psychiatrist who put him under hypnosis to learn about his early life.
After he was hypnotized & regressed it was discovered that a man had gone to Copenhagen for a sex change operation. While there 'she' met a 'man' who used to be a woman. They fell in love and the Invisible man was born 9 months later. That's right! He had Transparents!
Man is Like an Automobile....
~ As it gets older, the differential starts slopping, and the U-joints
get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.
~ The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty
getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question!
~ The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb
the slightest incline. When it is climbing the tappets clatter and ping
to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.
~ The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it
hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can kill ya!
~ It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose.
~ His frame has a big bow in the middle.
~ The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating
temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant
recharging.
~ His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the 'low position'
and ya can't get anywhere that way.
~ But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving
the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip
down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.
With vegetarianism on the rise and beef scares in Europe, soy-based meat
substitutes are a booming industry. What are some of the most popular
items among meat-shunning Americans?
~ Approximeat
~ Soystrami
~ Mockwurst
~ Roast, Almost
~ Misteak
~ I Can't Believe It's Not A Dead Animal!
~ Prosciuttofu
~ Fake-un Double Cheesebulghur
~ Tofuck You, Meat Lover
~ Soysters Rockefeller
~ Nofu: The Tofu Substitute
~ Kielbeancurdasa
~ Nauseages
Camping Tips...
** You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
** Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
** A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
** A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
** A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
** In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
** The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
** A large carp can be used for a pillow.
** The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
** It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
** In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, 'Bout what?"
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash...
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
good fortune ...
pops |
