friday funnies...
lol...good one JB thanks...
stoopid joke of the week...
Although the head of a giant bio-technology corporation loved his work
dearly, he regretted not having more time to spend with his family. So,
he went to the chief research scientist and asked him to come up with a
solution.
"That's quite simple, sir. All you need is a clone of yourself to
handle the business details and you'll have plenty of time at home."
The executive thought that was great and so the scientist took some
cells from the inside of his mouth and began the cloning process. Six
months later, the clone was ready and the CEO was anxious to meet his
double, but the scientist cautioned him, "Sir, I must tell you that the
cloning and accelerated growth procedures we use aren't completely
perfected yet. Your clone is exact in every detail except that it has an
unfortunate tendency toward foul language."
The executive didn't blink an eye and left for home to enjoy family
life as his clone took over the office.
It wasn't long before trouble broke out. Longtime employees were
quitting and suing for sexual harassment. The double's foul mouth had
offended and lost many major clients and his vulgar tongue was proving to be a
disaster to the business.
Knowing that he had to do something and fast, the CEO called his double
and asked for a meeting at the restaurant atop company headquarters.
The two met and over lunch their argument became more and more heated.
The swear words literally poured out of the genetically- engineered
garbage mouth. He must have run through about every filthy word in the book
when the original CEO, completely fed up, hauled off and belted him.
The force knocked the double through a plate glass window and he
plummeted 30 stories to the sidewalk below.
Within minutes the police arrived and took the CEO into custody and the
executive demanded to know the charge. "That should be obvious, sir,"
the cop said. "You're being arrested for making an obscene clone fall."
.........................
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he
arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." ò¿ó¬
.............................
General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how
to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but
imagine if they did....
Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
Help Line: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
Help Line: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and
markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
Help Line: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase
some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to
install it for you."
Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I
have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with
everything built in!"
.................
Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars are horrible!"
Help Line: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
Help Line: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal
all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!â€
Help Line: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What
do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!"
..................
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the sit out of him...
A drunk gets on a bus, staggers up the aisle and
sits next to an old lady, breathing fumes all over her,
She looks at him with withering contempt and says,
"I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell."
The drunk jumps out of his seat and shouts.
"Cheez I'm on the wrong bus!"
...................
Hi, I'm in third grade but it's not easy, it's a jungle
gym out there.
It's not school I mind, it's the principal of the thing.
My teacher is tough. In class we have to answer
"Yes Sir" and "No Sir," and my teacher is a woman.
She's cross-eyed too, can't control her pupils.
In English she told us we couldn't use 2 words,
one was cool and the other was lousy. I said,
"Cool, tell us the lousy one first."
In science, she asked, "what would happen if
one of the stars in Orion's belt went out?"
I told her his pants would fall down.
She asked, "Why do astronauts wear space
suits?" I said, "To cover their space underwear."
In geography she asked us to name 2 cities in
Kentucky. I said "O.K., I'll name one Waldo and
the other Heathcliff."
And I don't like math at all, there's just too many
problems.
We eat in the cafeteria. For lunch yesterday we
had Roast Beef, bread and butter. The roast
beef was so tough it challenged me to a fight after
school. The bread was so stale I took it to show
and tell in history class. I'd tell you about the
butter but I don't want to spread it around.
They gave us animal crackers for dessert. On
the outside of the box it said "Do not eat if seal is
broken." (these are third grade jokes, try to keep up)
After lunch we had a test. I used to hate taking
tests. The teacher told us to treat them as a game.
Now I hate games.
I did get a 100 the other day, 50 in math and 50 in
spelling.
My teacher is so forgetful she gave us the same
test 3 weeks in a row. If she does that one more
time I might pass it.
My teacher knows all the answers, of course,
she makes up all the questions.
But I do better than my best friend, Mike, he made
the P.T.A.'s Most Wanted list.
Mike's the biggest trouble maker in school, And
his parent's never thought he'd amount to anything!
Mike kept telling the teacher his dog ate his
homework. We didn't believe him until his dog
graduated from Yale.
When I get home from school, it takes me about
an hour to do my homework, 2 hours if my father
helps.
I was having trouble in English. My Dad bought
me a cheap dictionary but I couldn't find the words
to thank him.
My dad bought me a thesaurus, too. I thought
that was very nice, pleasurable, agreeable.
I was doing geography homework and I asked him
where I would find the Catskills. He said, "I don't
know, your mother puts everything away!"
When my father saw my report card, he said I
was just like Abraham Lincoln, I went down in
history.
and finally...
"She was so old, when she went to school they didn't have
History." --Rodney Dangerfield
"I was always taught to respect my elders and I've reached the age
where I don't have to respect anybody." --George Burns
"He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for
the money up front." --Milton Berle
"The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence and
obsolesence." --Art Linkletter
A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before
she was about to have a heart transplant.
The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the
surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said "Doctor,
I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"
The doctor replied "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely
good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the
business?"
The patient's friend replied "She's been working since she was 18
years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"
"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and
hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"
good fortune ...
pops
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03 |
