friday funnies...
lol...thanks JB...
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine? I replied, "It depends. What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "Minnesota Vikings."
(And they say blondes are dumb!!! )
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Recent research shows that there are five kinds of sex.
The first kind of sex is Smurf Sex. This kind of sex
happens when you first meet someone and you both have
sex until you are blue in the face.
The second kind of sex is Kitchen Sex. This is when
you have been with your partner for a short time and
you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in
the kitchen.
The third kind of sex is Bedroom Sex. This is when you
have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex
has gotten routine and you usually have sex in your
bedroom.
The fourth kind of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when
you have been with your partner for too long. When you
pass each other in the hallway you both say "Farken
You".
The fifth kind of sex is Courtroom Sex. This is when
you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to
court and screws you in front of everyone.
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"I voted Republican this year. The Democrats left a bad taste in
my mouth." -- Monica Lewinsky
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but
when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my
balance... she leaned over and pushed me.
.........................
I had just finished visiting a friend in the hospital and stopped
by a burger drive-through for lunch to eat on the way back to
work. I ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29. She
said "that'll be $4.83, please drive forward."
"$4.83? For a $4.29 meal? That's 54 cents tax! That can't be
right," my mind raced. Tax is 8 cents on the dollar in Huntsville
and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus 1/3 (29) of 8 cents
would be 35 cents max. I'd heard of window workers overcharging
drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves.
Someone did just that to me at a Hardees couple of years ago.
I didn't have my calculator watch (I lost it a while back) so I
got a pen and paper and did the long division since there were 2
cars ahead of me. Let's see ... 483/429 ... over 12 percent
tax! When I got to the window I handed her a 5 and said "what's
the sales tax in Huntsville?" She didn't know. I said "$4.83 for
a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax. That can't be right.
Can I talk to the manager?" She gave me my change and called the
manager. So the manager comes over. I ask what the sales tax is
in Huntsville, and she says 8 percent. I say that I just paid
$4.83 for a $4.29 meal and that's over 12 percent sales tax.
She got a funny look on her face and said that maybe the computer
had rung it up wrong or had charged me for the biggie size.
(biggie upgrade was 35 cents - which would be 4.64 plus tax which
would put it over $5). She admitted it was supposed to be 4.63,
and opened the drawer to give me my extra change.
"HA!" I thought to myself. "Six years engineering school has so
heightened my mental mathematical adeptness that I can do
percentages in my head and my superior intellect has foiled a
feeble attempt by a drive-through worker to overcharge me."
I took the twenty cents she handed me, proud of my staggering
genius, and smugly drove off without my food.
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I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang
out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be
there.
They have no wife to go home to... ...or they do.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
MARIA: I'll have you know that I've been asked
to get married lots of times
PAUL: No kidding! Who asked you?
MARIA: My mother and my father.
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Automobile Acronyms...
AUDI...
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW...
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK...
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET...
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE...
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT...
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
FORD...
backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
GM...
General Maintenance
GMC...
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA...
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else. (I added that one.)
HYUNDAI...
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA...
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE...
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late
Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular
Leftover Equipment
SAAB...
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
TOYOTA...
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO...
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW...
Virtually Worthless
and finally...
There are 100 nuns in a nunnery. One day the Mother Superior
calls an emergancy meeting.
"Nuns" she says, "a terrible thing has happened. I have
found a condom."
At the news 99 nuns went "Oh no!" and 1 went "Ha ha ha ha."
"If the Arch Bishop ever found out he would close us down!"
the Mother Superior said.
Once again 99 went "Oh no!" and 1 laughed.
"It gets worse" the Mother Superior continued, "It was
used!"
Again, 99 went "Oh no!" and one laughed.
"To top it all off," the Mother Superior finished, "It had a
hole in it!"
This time 99 laughed and one went "Oh no!!!"
good fortune ...
pops
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