friday funnies...
lol thanks JB...i was busy watching the news on IRAQ last weekend and had acess problems yesterday...
Two American guys Bob and Frank where sitting on roof laying
shingles when all of a sudden a gust of wind blows the ladder down. Bob
says "hey Jake I have an idea how bouts we throw you's down there and
you can pick up that ladder." "Do you think I am stupid?" Jake says. "I
have an idea.....I'll shine my flashlight down to the grass and you can
climb down on the beam of light. "Do you think I am stupid Jake? You'll
just turn the flashlight off when I am halfway there!
.................................
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads
out Jack's Last Will and Testament...
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and
1 million dollars...
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar...
To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000...
And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is
better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."
.................................
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are
three other companies after me." "Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?" "The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding,
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When
the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.
.................................
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the
curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk". The wasted wino asked "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and
walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a
policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the man.
"Half of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds. The other half end in death."
...................................
HOW WILL YOU VOTE?
It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts. Here's
the scoop on the three leading candidates...
Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with
astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks
8 to 10 martinis a day...
Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,
used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening...
Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't
smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit
affairs....
Which of these candidates is your choice??
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolf Hitler
............................
Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
A: It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing
Q: What do Michael Jackson and the New York Mets have in common?
A: They're both walking around with one glove on their hand for no
apparent reason whatsoever!!
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play
with and
the other you carry your groceries in !!
Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boys' pants were half-off !!
Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper?
A: Michael Jackson's hand !!
Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!!
Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
A: His other hand !!
Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy !!
Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.
Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!
................................
I'm so ugly/stupid...
I worked in a pet shop, and people
kept asking how big I'd get.
The Department of Family Planning wanted to make
me poster boy - for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in
his lap; he was in the electric chair.
I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd
have had nothing to play with.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me.
She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the
kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting
room and said to my father; I'm sorry.
We did everything we could, but he pulled through.
I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness
...AFTER I was born.
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over;
nobody's home. I went over. Nobody was home.
I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox,
the cat kept covering me up.
...............................
warning!!
Little Johnny and his grandfather are fishing by a peaceful lake
beneath some weeping willow trees. The grandfather takes out a cigarette and
lights it. Little Johnny says, "Grandpa, can I try one of your
cigarettes?"
"Can you touch your arse with your dick?"
"No," replies Little Johnny.
"Then, you're not big enough," explains the grandfather.
A few minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his cooler and
opens it. Little Johnny then asks, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your arse hole with your dick?"
"No," says Little Johnny.
"Then, you're not old enough."
Time passes and they continue to fish. Little Johnny gets hungry so he
reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies, and eats one.
The grandfather looks at him and says, "They look good, can I have one
of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your butt hole with your dick?"
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather proudly.
"Then go @#$% yourself... these are my cookies!"
..................................
stoopid joke of the week...
In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater
for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper
fit. "I can't do that!" the lady said. "The sweater is a surprise!"
and finally...
People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it`s
safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
good fortune...
pops |
