friday funnies...
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the
class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women
how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to
give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't
hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the
group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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Iraq's TV Guide
SUNDAY
7:30 - My 33 Sons
8:00 - Osama Knows Best
8:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
9:00 - I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 - The Kabul Hillbillies
MONDAY
7:00 - Husseinfeld
7:30 - Mad About Everything
8:00 - Monday Night Stoning
8:30 - Win Bin Laden's Money
9:00 - Allah McBeal
TUESDAY
7:30 - Wheel of Terror
8:00 - The Price is Right if Osama Says It's Right
8:30 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:00 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
9:30 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
WEDNESDAY
7:00 - Beat the Press
8:00 - When Kurds Attack
8:30 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
9:00 - Just Shoot Everyone
9:30 - Veilwatch
THURSDAY
7:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
7:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
8:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapless Dresses and
Veils
8:30 - Married with 139 Children
9:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News
FRIDAY
7:00 - Judge Saddam
7:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
8:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire
8:30 - Cave and Garden Television
9:00 - No Witness Left Alive News
SATURDAY
8:00 - Spongebob Squareturban
8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 - Tele-talibans
9:30 - Camel 54, Where Are you?
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SEVEN REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK...
1. CURL UP AND DIE........I walked into a hair salon with my husband
and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a
shampoo and a blow job?"
Melinda Lowe, 39, SeguinTX
2. PAD PLEASE.......... An insurance man visited me at home to talk
about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures
at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old
son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in
front of our guest.
Kate Newman, 46, Winston-Salem,NC
3. HO, HO, HO............. I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son
came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he
made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few
shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one
with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the
picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look.
Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in
addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing
nothing but a camera!
Name Withheld
4. LADY GOLFER................ I was at the golf store comparing
different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been
using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of
the good looking gentlemen who works at the store! . He asked if he
could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like
playing with men's balls."
Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
5. NUTS ABOUT YOU............My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the
display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I
replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh
hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
6. PRICELESS.............A lady picked up several items at a discount
store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of
her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker
got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,"PRICE
CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but
somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax"
for THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND
YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
7. MOM'S ADVICE......... A teacher noticed that a little boy at the
back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not
paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised
and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the nurse's
office. He
was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did
it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a
commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to
find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I
told you to call your Mom." she screamed. "I did," he said "And she told
me that if I could stick it out till noon she would come and get me."
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"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by
lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word "peace."
Right idea, wrong president." - Jay Leno
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of
witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the
responses given by insightful witnesses:
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy.
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.
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They're making a new XXX movie. It's about an anorexic Irish
prostitute who hops from bed to bed. Her name's Tramp O'Lean.
Our village had its annual St. Patrick's Day parade with rock
and roll bands marching. Actually it wasn't really rock and
roll. It was sham rock. -- Stan Kegel
and finally...
All K-Mart stores in Iraq will be closing on or before March 28th.
After that, they will all become Targets.
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
good fortune...
pops |
