friday funnies...
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me ..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."... they say the old man made it back to town a full five minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
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Signs You're Not a Very Good Cook
15> Your meals look just like the pictures on the cover
of the magazine -- Aviation Disaster Weekly.
14> Only similarity between your Mexican cuisine and
actual Mexican cuisine is the vomiting and diarrhea.
13> Jack Kevorkian keeps writing to ask for recipes.
12> Your leftovers don't have an expiration date...
they have a half-life.
11> When no one's looking, the dog sneaks your food to
his heartworms after your son sneaks it to him.
10> The EPA has opened a branch office in your breakfast
nook.
9> After all this time, it turns out the recipes were
calling for *chicken* eggs.
8> First day in the kitchen, your job was "toast the
bread." Then you were downgraded to "cut the bread."
Now it's simply "stop your bleeding."
7> You still can't figure out what the hell a "tiblisp"
is.
6> The Defense Department has requested your rice pilaf
recipe as a repair compound for leaky battleships.
5> After lower than anticipated craving for your arroz
con stinkbug, you think you overhear your fellow
Survivors discussing how to cook stew. Your name? Stu.
4> The cat shuns your table scraps in favor of its own
vomit.
3> Your Chicken a la King is served on a bed of shocking
gray hair.
2> Your tapeworm has issued an unconditional surrender.
1> Lobster? Climbs out of the pot, grabs a cook book,
and proceeds to beat you with it.
==================================
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front
of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
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What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common? They're both cheap,
fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead...
When you are out buying plastic, duct tape and toilet paper, to
protect yourself from germ warfare, don't forget fresh batteries
for your flashlights, because in the dark you don't want to mix
up the duct tape and toilet paper!
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stoopid joke of the week...
rated R not for the faint of heart...
home.mn.rr.com
rotflol :lol:
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A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a
while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have
discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live." "But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down
the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day." Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?" "No," Replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
===================================
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours
to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast,
he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was
about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he
could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able
to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the
ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself
with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his
ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man
finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right
over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit
the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded
back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age
that pine tree was only three feet tall."
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Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her
that
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better
bring her daughter into the Emergency Room right away.
...
Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting
it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the
river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It
turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.
...
and finally...
Idiot # 3
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted "Nobody move!" When his partner moved,
the startled first bandit shot him.
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
i'll be out of town next week. posts will return on may 16th...
good fortune ...
pops |
