friday funnies...
Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
Little Johnny: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Little Johnny!
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Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Little Johnny: No, I'm Little Johnny.
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Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
Little Johnny: I get up early.
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Teacher; Didn't you promise to behave?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have
to keep yours.
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Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Little Johnny: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
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Teacher: Why are you late?
Little Johnny: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow. "That's what I did.
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Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
Little Johnny: I hope you didn't either.
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Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
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Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Little Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."
Little Johnny: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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The New York Police Department are investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th-story office today. Jill his voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she
started working for him, a month ago. "After my very first week on the job," Jill said, "I received a $20
raise." "At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings, and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary.'" "At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole." "Then, this afternoon he called me into his private office again presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost." "I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he
could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other guys in the office ten." "That's when he jumped out the window."
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New Books on the Best Seller List ...
"Home Maintenance"....by Duane Pipe
"Growing up in the Balkans".....by Hugo Slavia
"Irish Winter Tales".....by Pete Moss
"Increase Your Brain Power"....by Sarah Bellum
"Looking Into the Wishing Well"....by Eileen Dover
"How to Write a Mystery Novel"....by Page Turner
"I Got Away With Murder"....by Scott Free
"Winning Big".....by Jack Potts
"Vacation Spot in the Tropics"....by Sandy Beech
"I Always Enjoy the Darkness"....by Gladys Knight
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language warning!
Did you know that a man is made up of many useless "things?"
He has an Adams apple that isn't an apple...
Two calves that will never become cows...
A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...
A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything...
Twenty nails that won't hold a board...
A chest that won't hold linen...
Two tits that won't give milk...
Two buns that won't feed anyone...
A belly button that won't button...
Two balls that won't roll...
An ass that won't pull a plow...
An organ that won't play music...
A cock that won't crow...............
.....And what are YOU laughing about girl??
You've got a pussy that won't catch mice!!
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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at
the
large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with
names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The
seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning, Alex." "Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still
focused on the plaque.
"Pastor, what is this?"
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in
the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked,
"Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:00?"
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You know you are in Florida in the summertime when ....
a.. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance.
b.. Hot water now comes out of both taps.
c.. You can make sun tea instantly.
d.. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding
iron.
e.. The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
f.. You discover that it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
g.. You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
h.. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
i.. You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
j.. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out
and end
up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
k.. You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
l.. The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
m.. The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one
out
and add butter, salt, and pepper.
n.. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from
laying hard-boiled eggs.
o.. The cows are giving evaporated milk.
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do you believe in ghosts?
rated G
clan-mizz.dk
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some wisdom...
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.
There will always be death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at
the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
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and finally...
stoopid jokes of the week...
Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the
Pepsi bottle cap back on?
Because it said, "Sorry, try again."
How do you get a one-armed
blonde out of a tree?
Wave!
Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White?
They can't find another blonde who knows the
whole alphabet!
Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
So she could lip read.
Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
What do a blonde and an
instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
good fortune ;-)...
pops |
