friday funnies...
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print
a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
*****************************
Little Jimmy was in pre-school and not doing very well. His
teacher decided to work with him one on one. One day she asked,
"If you put your hand in your left pocket and pull out a nickel
and then put your other hand inm your right pocket and pulled
out another nickel, what would you have?"
Jimmy thought for a minute and then said, "I would have someone
else's pants on."
*****************************
NEW INVENTIONS BY BLONDES
-- The water-proof towel
-- Glow in the dark sunglasses
-- Submarine screen doors
-- A book on how to read.
-- Inflatable dart boards
-- A dictionary index.
-- Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
-- Powdered water
-- Pedal-powered wheel chairs
-- Waterproof tea bags
-- Watermelon seed sorter
-- Zero proof alcohol
-- Reuseable ice cubes
-- See-through toilet tissue
-- Skinless bananas
-- Do-it-yourself road map
-- Turnip ice cream
-- Toe implants
-- An all white flag
-- Rolls Royce pickup truck
*********************************
The Wisdom of Will Rogers...
Don't squat with your spurs on...
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment...
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in...
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there...
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around...
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and
shot him.......The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut...
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day...
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works...
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'...
Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco...
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep...
Always drink upstream from the herd...
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson...
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket...
Never miss a good chance to shut up...
**********************************
Being defeated is often only a temporary condition. Giving up
is what makes it permanent.--Marlene vos Savant
-----------------------------------------------------------
After the trial Lorena Bobbit was released, as the evidence wouldn't
stand up in court.
What did Lorena Bobbitt say about a recent snowstorm? There's six
inches on the ground.
What did John say to Lorena after the deed was done? No hard feelings.
What did Mr. Bobbitt say when he was propositioned by a hooker? Sorry,
I'm a little short this week.
Lorena Bobbit is dating a golf pro... Nothing sexual, she just wants to
improve her slice.
Have you heard about the new John Bobbit doll?.... Some assembly
required.
Human society is made up "Hunters" and "Gatherers". After the attack,
John Bobbitt became both.
John was asked by a reporter how he felt after the attack. His response
was "Light-headed".
*******************************
What does a 80 year old woman have between her breasts that
a 20 year old girl doesn't? Her belly button!
and finally...
stoopid joke of the week...
The entire congregation came out to hear the preacher's first
sermon. It lasted for a mere eight minutes. The next Sunday, the
preacher's sermon was forty-five minutes. His third sermon was
two and a half hours in duration.
The pulpit committee called the preacher in and asked, "What's
happening here?"
The preacher replied,
"Well, on the first Sunday all of my teeth had just been pulled.
My mouth was sore, so my sermon was short. The next week, I had
my new dentures and I was feeling fine." The committee leader
said, "But, your third sermon was two and a half hours long!"
"Oh, yes," the preacher responded. "The third week, I picked up
my wife's dentures by mistake and I couldn't stop talking!"
compiled and edited Copyright Stock Den Digest© 2002-03
good fortune ...
pops |
