WWWWWHHHHHHHHHAAAATTTTT!! Congress raises speed limit to
200 m.p.h.
By Tommy Link
Washington D.C.- Denying that they are catering to over-priced doctors and the automotive industry, Congress and the President announced today that they have raised interstate speed limits to 200 mph.
Beltway insiders believe the bill was passed because it's supporters were blackmailed, and that doctors endorsing the law are actually the bastard daughter and sons of the politicians who support the law. When this reporter asked if these allegation were true, I was nearly bludgeoned to death by a large group of fascist interns. During a press conference former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, present for the press event because he was "in the neighborhood", said "I just think that a car ride should end faster than marriages, no what I mean was ......... aw hell, screw all of you, at least I can safely fly at the expense of tax payers!" He then bolted at the podium and headed at the helo pad outside the capitol.
Constructions crews across the country will re-vamp roads, so that on-ramps will feature drag strip lights. The first 50 feet will be used for burnouts, whereby the tires are spun making the rubber good and sticky. This extra adhesion is needed for the 0-200 m.p.h. These cars can achieved in less than 10 seconds. Announcers will have booths nearby bellowing who got the best " hole shot" A term used in racing to claim who left the starting line the quickest.
At off-ramps dragsters will deploy parachutes, but if they fail, Navy surplus F-14 Tomcat tail hooks (used for aircraft carrier landings) can be released. These hooks can catch one of the five cables strung across the road. "Slug traps" as officials are calling them, will be hazardous. State and local police will stake out positions nearby and fire shoulder-launched missiles at slow moving traffic to clean the lanes for the new super cars. Officials are giving warning to drivers that they will ticket those who rubberneck at the sight of crispy torsos hanging out of burning wreckage.
Congress meanwhile, is urging all drivers to "beef up" their own vehicles. Billy Joe Feldman of Knoxville, Tennessee waited until 12:00 a.m. today for the law to go into effect. Although he recently totaled his pickup truck. he claimed, "with that solid rocket booster I welded to her (the truck) I ain't never had such a kick-ass ride, except maybe that time I jumped on a mule deer naked". Speed freaks across the nations are exultant, expecting the new law should finally allow them to satisfy their urge to drive according to their deepest primal impulses.
The medical community knows this law will be such a smash hit with drivers that hospitals are now beginning to set up emergency care stations at existing rest area s along interstates. "Treatment will vary" said Dr. Earhardt Gentner, a physician at INOVA Hospital. "The rich people will get five star treatment such as catscan, neurosurgery, real top of the line service... and the poor, on the other hand will get a little bottle of bactine and some leeches". All is not fair with this law, but a positive point can be found; at least in-car cell phone use will decreased. Doctors have suggested, how-ever, that before venturing out onto our interstates, cell phone should dial 911 and leave the line open.
washingtontoast.com |
