Setting: A cafe. All the customers are Vikings. Mr. and Mrs. bun enter -
downwards (on wires).
Mr. Bun (Eric Idle): Morning.
Waitress (Terry Jones): Morning.
Mr. Bun: What have you got, then?
Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage, and bacon; egg and SPAM;
egg, bacon, and SPAM; egg, bacon, sausage and SPAM; SPAM, bacon,
sausage, and SPAM; SPAM, egg, SPAM, SPAM, bacon, and SPAM; SPAM, SPAM,
SPAM, egg, and SPAM; SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, baked beans,
SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, and SPAM; or lobster thermidor aux crevettes with
a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pate, brandy, and a fried egg
on top and SPAM.
Mrs. Bun (Graham Chapman): Have you got anything without SPAM in it?
Waitress: Well, there's SPAM, egg, sausage, and SPAM. That's not got MUCH
SPAM in it.
Mrs. Bun: I don't want _any_ SPAM.
Mr. Bun: Why can't she have egg, bacon, SPAM, and sausage?
Mrs. Bun: That's got SPAM in it!
Mr. Bun: Not as much as SPAM, egg, sausage, and SPAM.
Mrs. Bun: Look, could I have egg, bacon, SPAM, and sausage without the SPAM?
Waitress: Uuuuuuuuugggggh!
Mrs. Bun: What d'you mean uuugggh!? I don't like SPAM.
Vikings: (singing) SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM..SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM... Lovely
SPAM,wonderful SPAM.... (Brief shot of Viking ship)
Waitress: Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! You can't have egg, bacon, SPAM, and
sausage without the SPAM.
Mrs. Bun: Why not!
Waitress: No, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, SPAM, and sausage, would it.
Mrs. Bun: I don't like SPAM!
Mr. Bun: Don't make a fuss, dear. I'll have your SPAM. I love it. I'm
having SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM...
Vikings: (singing) SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM...
Mr. Bun: ...baked beans, SPAM, SPAM, and SPAM.
Waitress: Baked beans are off.
Mr. Bun: Well, can I have SPAM instead?
Waitress: You mean SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM,
SPAM?
Vikings: (still singing) SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM.... (etc.)
Mr. Bun: Yes.
Waitress: Arrggh!
Vikings: ...lovely SPAM, wonderful SPAM...
Waitress: Shut up! Shut up! (The Vikings shut up momentarily. Enter the
Hungarian [from an earlier sketch])
Hungarian: Great boobies honeybun, my lower intestine is full of SPAM, egg,
SPAM, bacon, SPAM, tomato, SPAM...
Vikings: (starting up again) SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM...
Waitress: Shut up. (a policeman rushes in and bundles the Hungarian out)
Hungarian: My nipples explode... (Cut to a historian)
Historian (Michael Palin): Another great Viking victory was at the Green
Midget cafe at Bromley. Once again the Viking strategy was the same.
They sailed from these fiords here (indicating a map with arrows on
it), assembled at Trondheim, and waited for the strong north-easterly
winds to blow their oaken galleys to England whence they sailed on
May 23rd. Once in Bromley they assembled in the Green Midget cafe
and SPAM selecting a SPAM particular SPAM item from the SPAM menu
would SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM... (the backdrop rises, revealing the
cafe again. The Vikings start singing again and the Historian
conducts them.)
Vikings: (singing) SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, Lovely SPAM, Wonderful SPAM,
Lovely SPAM, wonderful SPAM (etc.) |
