Democrats Raise $80 Million to Fund 'Thinking'
Satire from ScrappleFace
by Scott Ott
(2005-08-07) -- In a novel approach for the Democrat party, a group of left-leaning investors said it has raised $80 million in pledges to fund thinking, in hopes that thought and actual policies might be the secret to victory in coming elections.
The dramatic reversal of strategy comes not from the Democrat National Committee (DNC) itself, but from a group of 80 wealthy progressives who each pledged $1 million in an effort to emulate the conservative think-tanks which have developed during the past three decades.
"People need something to believe in," said one unnamed investor in the new Democracy Alliance. "We Democrats have always believed, but now we're looking for that 'something' -- you know, a concept or principle or idea...whatever that means."
The Democracy Alliance will take on conservative institutions like the Heritage Foundation, the Hoover Institution, the American Enterprise Institute, the Cato Institute, the Leadership Institute and the Young America's Foundation.
The $80 million is only seed money, organizers said, toward an eventual $200 million investment in thinking and policy creation.
"Experts tell us that thought doesn't come cheap," said Alliance chairman Steven Gluckstern, a retired investment banker, "And the progressive movement currently has no line-item in the budget for it. So we need a lot of cash up front to get the ball rolling."
However, a spokesman for the Democrat National Committee expressed concern that "this new so-called thinking strategy might divide the party, and reduce the amount of money available for our TV ads which make people feel bad about Republicans."
"People always run after the latest new thing," said the unnamed DNC spokesman. "But when they find out how difficult thinking really is, we're confident that they'll come back to the DNC."
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