This is kind of funny...and tragic at the same time
San Francisco Chronicle
April 2nd, 1999 ARTHUR HOPPE
Those Ungrateful Kosovars
ARTHUR HOPPE Friday, April 2, 1999
THE MAN AT THE DOOR was a sorry sight --
ragged
clothes, unshaven, red-eyed. ''My name is
Mikhail,'' he said. ''I'm
a refugee from Kosovo.''
''Well, you've certainly come to the right
place,'' I said warmly.
''The hearts of all Americans go out to you
refugees.''
''All 600,000 of us?'' he asked.
''You bet,'' I said. ''The only reason
we've gone to war with
Serbia is to save you Kosovars from that
rapacious murderer,
Slobodan Milosevic. And it's good to know
we've saved 600,000
of you already.''
He nodded.''With more to come,'' he said.
''But I must say it
wasn't easy fleeing our burning villages,
struggling night and day
over mountain passes in the freezing rain
with no food and no
shelter.''
''Come, come, Mikhail, look on the bright
side,'' I said.
''President Clinton has publicly promised
to send you all back to
your homes once we've achieved victory.''
''What homes?'' he said.
''Well, back to where your homes were,'' I
said. ''And we're
sending $50 million to take care of you
refugees in whatever
country you wind up in. It 's the least we
could do.''
''I agree,'' he said.
''Plus that, we've already spent more than
$200 million bombing
the bejabbers out of Mr. Milosevic for your
sake,'' I said. ''But it's
worth it, because we know what we'll get in
the end.''
''More refugees?'' he said.
''No,'' I said, ''a clean, quick total
victory -- even if it takes more
weeks and months of bombing to save your
beloved country.''
''You wouldn't care to send in a couple of
hundred thousand
ground troops to cinch the deal?''
''Oh, we'd love to, Mikhail,'' I said.
''There's nothing we enjoy
more than waging an all-out war for
humanitarian purposes -- but
only if no one on our side is going to get
hurt.''
''So you're just going to keep on bombing
Kosovo and Serbia?''
he said.
''Well, not exactly,'' I said. ''We've got
a little problem: We're
running out of Cruise missiles.''
''Those are the ones that let you bomb us
from 1,500 miles away
so no one on your side gets hurt?''
''That's right, an indispensable weapon,''
I said. ''Unfortunately,
our Air Force is down to its last 100 or
so. You see, we shot up
more than 300 bringing Saddam Hussein to
heel and another 100
teaching Bin Laden a thing or two.''
''Do you think Milosevic will knuckle under
the way they did?'' he
asked.
''I should certainly hope so,'' I said.
''These missiles cost $1 million
a piece. But money means nothing compared
to saving your
strategically located country, wherever it
is.''
''You don't know where Kosovo is?''
''Of course we do,'' I said. ''The
president took out a map on
television to show us exactly where it is.
You might say he put you
on the map.''
''Frankly, I liked it better when we
weren't.''
''Look here, Mikhail,'' I said testily.
''You don't sound too grateful
for all we're doing to save you from the
Serbs.''
He shrugged. ''With saviors like you,'' he
said, ''who needs
Serbs?''
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