FUNNY GIRL
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Barbra Streisand's other letters.
BY CHRISTOPHER BUCKLEY
Friday, April 6, 2001 12:01 a.m. EDT
Barbra Streisand has sent a three-page memo to top
congressional Democrats, accusing them of being
"paralyzed, demoralized and depressed" since the election,
Ms. Streisand's publicist confirms.
"We have a President who stole the presidency through
family ties, arrogance and intimidation, employing Republican
operatives to exercise the tactics of voter fraud by
disenfranchising thousands of blacks, elderly Jews and other
minorities," the singer-actress charges. "I hope you're
through arguing among yourselves and distancing
yourselves from President Clinton."
Yesterday Ms. Streisand's publicist also confirmed she had
dispatched a number of other missives.
• Barbra Streisand has sent a scorching 15-page memo to
top leaders at the Pentagon accusing them of being
"putzes" for sending electronic surveillance aircraft near the
Chinese coastline.
"Are we at war with China?" writes the star of "For Pete's
Sake" and other films. "I didn't hear anything about that.
What do we care what they're up to, anyway? They're nice
people, the Chinese, and their military donated generously
to President Clinton's re-election campaign in 1995 or 1996.
Whatever. The real threat to America is George Bush. Him
we should force to land on an island somewhere."
• Barbra Streisand has sent a withering 18-page memo to
top leaders at the State Department blasting them for "not
bringing about peace in the Middle East."
"I've had it with you," writes the star of "Nuts" and other
films. "Two and a half months you've been in charge and
has anything changed? Every time I look at the TV, another
suicide bomb. This cannot go on. Maybe if you spent less
time kvetching about Marc Rich, a true Middle East
peacemaker, and more helping Israel, we would not be in
this situation. Am I getting through to you?" Ms. Streisand
concludes the memo saying, "P.S. This is nothing personal
against Colin Powell, whom I personally think is wonderful.
Such eyes. That skin, I would die for. In fact, have him call
me about this. Him I can talk to."
• Barbra Streisand has sent a blistering 22-page memo to
British Conservative leader William Hague accusing him of
"infecting thousands or however many cows with bovine
spongiform encephalopathy in order to make my friend Tony
Blair--I could squeeze him--look like a schmuck." The star of
"What's Up Pussycat?" and other films writes she was "sick
and tired" of seeing piles of dead cows being burned, and
charged that the recent epidemic of BSE was "Tory revenge
for Tony's courageous ban on fox hunting."
• Barbra Streisand has sent a withering 28-page memo to
NASA accusing the space agency of "dragging feet." "Why
haven't we landed on Mars yet?" writes the star of "Yentl"
and other films. "Is this 2001, or 1901? Is there a problem?"
Ms. Streisand says that if "Bill Clinton--such strength, such
charisma, don't get me started--were still in charge, we'd
be on Pluto by now."
• Barbra Streisand has sent a fulminating 35-page memo to
the National Institutes of Health demanding to know "why
you haven't cured AIDS yet." The star of "The Way We
Were" writes that she has "had it up to here"--she does not
indicate which body part--"with excuses, excuses, excuses"
and says that if the disease is not eradicated by June "at
the latest," that "you'll be hearing from my close personal
friend David Geffen."
• Barbra Streisand has sent an incendiary 42-page memo to
the head of Nasdaq accusing him of "losing more of my
money in this Republican stock market than my last five
movies combined." "When Bill Clinton was president--and
whose bright idea was it that you only have two terms as
president? Republicans!--every day I made money. Some
days, God made less than me. Now look. Cisco, down.
Amazon, I can't look. CMGI, the Titanic. Thank God for Philip
Morris is all I can say, and I don't even smoke. With a voice
like mine, you'd be crazy to."
• Barbra Streisand has sent a livid 55-page memo to the
Commerce Department complaining that the upholstery in
her "brand new" Mercedes "smells funny." "I paid good
money for this car," she writes. "Don't you inspect them
after they arrive here from Germany? When Bill Clinton was
president they didn't let in cars that smelled." She
concludes the memo saying, "And why are we trading with
Germany anyway? Haven't you seen 'Saving Private Ryan'?
Are you anti-Semitic?"
Mr. Buckley is editor of Forbes FYI. His new novel, "Trial of
the Millennium," will be published next year by Random
House. |
