Ten years ago, the Muppets disappeared off of the face of
Hollywood. After a series of intense investigations, some very
startling and disturbing information was discovered.
Kermit D. Frog - He now has an exercise video that he advertises
on late night television right after Jojo's Psychic bullshit. He
is competing with the crazy bitch with no hair and the steroid
monkey with the ponytail.
Gonzo - He fried his brains on cocaine laced with rancid relish
found under Scooter's bed.
Gonzo's Chickens - They now work as Playboy bunnies at the Hefner
mansion.
Miss Piggy - Having lived an extravagant life, she was broke and
destitute, so she had to resort to prostitution to support her
drug habit and illegitimate half-pig half-frog son.
Scooter - After many years as the Muppet show's drug pusher, he
finally made it big as a major international drug smuggler,
residing in Bolivia. He now frequents the likes of Hugh Hefner
and Bob Guccionne.
Sam the Eagle - He was brutally murdered in cold blood on stage
by a poacher.
The Old Geezers - Waldorf bludgeoned his partner to death with
his wooden chair out of sheer frustration. For this, he was
convicted of murder and fried in the electric chair by judge Ito.
Little Robin - He suffered a tragic death, he was the unfortunate
victim of a drive-by shooting in the LA. riots. His skin tone was
apparently mistaken for the colors of a rival gang.
The Crew of Pigs in Space - They were all mechanically separated.
You may now find them in tins of SPAM on the shelves of your local
supermarket.
Animal - Despite his rambunctious image, Animal managed a well-
stocked portfolio of blue chip stocks. He obtained a hefty on
certain high risk/high gain venture. He may be seen on occasion
dining with Donald Trump at The Russian Tea Room in New York.
Fozzy Bear - He was forcibly ejected from the Betty Ford Clinic
for a severe addiction to polish pickles and deflowering young
goats by sodomy.
Beeker - After many years of suffering and many, many tubes of
Preparation-H, everybody's favorite lab rat, assisted by Professor
Honeydew and a large stick, finally died of chronic, infected,
bleeding hemorrhoids.
Swedish Chef - after having mechanically separated the entire crew
of Pigs in Space on the orders of Miss Piggy, the Swedish Chef,
being an illegal alien, was deported back to Sweden. In his defense,
and we quote, "Bork, Bork, Bork."
Ralph the Dog - After years of rumours and denial, on his death bed
at the AIDS clinic, Ralph the Dog came out of the closet and
admitted to that he was Jim Henson's secret gay lover.
The Sax Player - He left the Muppet Show's band to join a religious
cult that worships Fabio.
The Zucchini Brothers - They had the misfortune of being in their
canon while it was being requisitioned by the US. army for Operation:
Desert Storm. They were last seen flying over Iraq.
Professor Bunsen Honeydew - After having successfully completing an
experiment,in total disbelief, feeling that he has lost his touch,
he committed suicide by Bunga-Bunga.
The remainder of the cast and crew - perished in the explosion of
the theater,possibly a practice bomb set by Timothy McVay and
John Doe #2. No survivors were found. |
