"Cheney's temper got the best of him last week when he told Vermont Senator Pat Leahy to 'go F yourself' on the Senate floor. Wow that's so out of character. He seems like such a peach. ... Afterwards President Bush would not comment on Cheney's outburst adding, 'You think I want that psycho coming after me.' ... Dick Cheney does have a history of swearing, but usually he's clutching his chest and falling down." —Craig Kilborn
"Dick Cheney has announced that he has agreed to be Bush's running mate in 2004. Cheney says wants four more years as vice president, but I get the feeling Cheney wants four more years at anything. He said the only thing that could keep him from running is another double bacon cheeseburger." —Jay Leno
"As Cheney told CNN, he has been 100 percent heart attack free since ascending to the vice presidency. He added, 'In fact, rather than giving me stress, being vice president has actually fueled my blackened soul, allowing me to gorge vampire-like on the bloody nectar of unlimited power.' I'm sorry that should have read 'I never felt better.'" —Jon Stewart, on Dick Cheney's insistence that he is the picture of health
"Vice President Cheney continues his whirlwind 11-nation middle eastern tour designed to bring America's anti-terror message to the region. That message: Help us fight terror or ...Is that oil?" —Jon Stewart
"Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge has unveiled a new color-coded system to warn the public about different states of danger. Red is the highest state of alert, and it means that Dick Cheney is about to eat a mozzarella stick." —Conan O'Brien
"President Bush spoke briefly to reporters before playing a round of golf in Crawford, Texas earlier today. ... This raises the question: Shouldn't the guy who is really running the country and who has had like 20 heart attacks be taking the vacation?" —Craig Kilborn
"According to doctors, George Bush has the lowest heartbeat ever recorded by someone in the White House. Well, second lowest. Dick Cheney got his down to zero a couple of times." —Jay Leno |
