"Look, Ma! He's Bent!"
Things went from bad to worse when the local chapter of the Women's Auxiliary Network, or WANk, began to picket the White Castle. WANk was followed by a veritable parade of sympathetic female special interest groups including a lesbian construction workers' union that helped WANk erect a gigantic papier mache penis, complete with a thirty-degree bend and strategically placed garden hose, just outside the Castle's front lawn. Every afternoon, the protesters would wheel the forty-foot phallus back and forth in front of the White Castle, sarcastically watering the front lawn with the garden hose.
Hilda failed to see the humor is such behavior. Instead, she fumed with envy at the askance effigy that stood outside her Ivory Tower.
"Billlll-lee!" she shrieked one morning when she could stand it no longer. "Billy BUMKIN!!! You get rid of this...that.....those.......YOU CLEAN UP THE FRONT LAWN RIGHT THIS MINUTE, OR SO HELP ME GOD, I'LL...I'LL…"
Billy heaved a sigh and pursed his lips. Why he did what he did next, I'll never know for certain, but it was about as smart as mooning a billy goat.
President Bumkin casually winked at me, gave Woody a warm pat on the head, headed out the front door, and strutted right up to the rostrum. The protesters redoubled their chants at first; but soon they relented and began to gather in a great circle.
It was clear that the president meant business. First, without saying a word, Billy Bumkin unbuckled his belt. Then he looked out resolutely at the mob.
He's just joshing, assumed most of those present.
Next, Billy unbuttoned his pants and unzipped his fly.
Is he really going to do it? wondered a few.
Last, Billy pulled down his drawers with his thumbs, and out plopped his crooked prodder.
"See there?" he trumpeted. "It's just like I've been sayin'! I'm as STRAIGHT AS AN ARROW!"
Holy cow! everyone thought, but no one said a word.
In fact, it was dead silent. People began casting sidelong glances to see what others were doing.
How are you supposed to address the president's jiminy? they asked themselves.
And, Is it just me, or is he really, really bent?
Meanwhile, the presidential twig dangled between the presidential berries, its thirty-degree bend visible to all but its possessor.
Everybody suffered through a few more awkward moments. Through it all, President Bumkin stood proudly displaying the evidence, confident in the delusion that his goober was perfectly straight.
Finally, after what seemed like an hour, a near-sighted little boy near the back of the crowd, perched atop his father's shoulders and wearing the most darling oversized spectacles you ever saw, cried out in a voice as shrill and clear as the siren call of a sterling silver clarion,
"Look, Ma! He's bent! He's BENT!!"
And that released the floodgates.
"He has a twisted twig!" brayed one onlooker.
"There's a hitch in his hose!" boomed another.
"His wick is out of whack!" bawled a third.
"He's got a goofy goober!!"
But that wasn't all, not by a long shot.
"A fluky flute! A wavy wand!" someone squawked.
"It's a LOPSIDED FLOPPER!"
"Now that's a SCREWY LOUIE!" somebody squealed.
"A DEVIATED DANGLER!!"
Last came the creme de la creme:
"He TURNED his TALLYWACKER!"
"His MEMBER's not in good STANDING!!"
"He has a COCKEYED ROOSTER!!"
"His PUMP is CATAWUMPUS!!!"
At that, the throng erupted in laughter as I led a bewildered Billy, his divergent dick still dangling, back into the White Castle.
Heaving the papier mache penis onto their husky shoulders, the uproarious protesters began to march in a great circle, chanting their whiney slogans and singing their witty folk songs all the while. The phallus itself bounced heartily up and down as they carried it in a circuit at the edge of the circling mob.
The last thing I saw as I helped Billy back into the Oblong Office was that damned papier mache penis bouncing up and down, up and down, its thirty-degrees becoming forty, then fifty, then sixty degrees, until it finally gave way and broke in half, plopping limply onto the grass with a dull thud.
And that, believe it or not, was how Billy brought about the end of the Bumkin administration.
Courtesy of rebelholler.com |
