FOR FUN ONLY (for those of us who are watching AXC VERY closely and impatiently)
News Release from Ampex Corp. 0317 AM EST.
AMPEX CORP SIGNS MICHAEL JORDAN TO HAWK ITS PRODUCTS
AMPEX CORP., Redwood City, CA, reported late tonight, while the financial community was asleep, that they had just signed Michael Jordan as an official hawker for all of their products.
"We are pleased to have Michael Jordan, the world's most technologically skilled basketball player ever, to be on our Ampex team to help sell our world's best technologically superior products." Said Chairman Ed Bramson. "Besides", he continued, "we had about $30 million in cash just sitting around and were looking for some way to use it to boost our business."
"I'm pleased to represent Ampex, which has come back from the grave as a rinky dink corporation and now has lots of money to pay me to tell everyone how hot their products are." Michael Jordan says in reply. "Besides, after trying out their products myself, it was either buy the company or become their spokesperson. I'm looking forward to appearing in commercials to extol the extreme benefits of Ampex products."
Ampex said the relationship starts immediately, and the marketing partnership would start right into promoting Ampex's stickiest product line, the elusive "Keepered Media". "I just don't know of a stickier substance", reported Jordan, "It's just great for gripping basketballs, and thats only one of its many fantastic uses. For instance, with Keepered media gooped on my hands, now I can dunk 2 basketballs WITH ONE HAND. Instead of having to dunk for just 2 points for all that slammin, jivin, twistin and skyin, I can go up to the net with FOUR BASKETBALLS in my hands, for a total of 8 points! That really blows the competition away! I've also found my shooting percentage has improved in basketball practices by an average of 20-40%. Now that's improvement! And all for about $1 per handcoating."
Another product Ampex is going to set about immediately having Jordan represent is their massive DST units. "Previously, our DST units had to compete ruthlessly against much worse units, but with bigger corportations backing them. As a result, sales only went up 100% year over year. Now, with Michael's name and signature on each one, they're going to sell like hot fish and chips!" said the British born Bramson. For his part, Jordan is equally pleased with the price and performance of the massive DST units he will soon be selling. "I lift them every day in my weight room. Several times a day for the earlier models, the DST 310 and 410, and now I'm working my way up to being able to heft the DST 810, though that's proving a little harder. And they've even come out with a new line, the DST DD line, which is twice as heavy! Only real heavyweights like Shaq can boast of being able to heft one of those immensely practical heavy storage units. And besides, I see a great market in DST for all professional athletes. With the inexorable rise in pro salaries, soon all pro players will need one to balance their checkbook, calculate how much interest they're earning every second, and how many cars they own. Why, I've even got one in my White Ford Bronco!", Jordan continued.
Other plans are being set in motion to make Ampex a real powerhouse in the new world of the convergence of the visual age and exploding volumes of information. "This is just the start", promised Chairman Bramson. "We intend Michael to flog our whole product line to the masses. Just for example, we invented the VCR, but we never made any money off of it. But with our DCT VCR unit and Michael Jordans marketing skills, we think we can achieve a high penetration rate in the home VCR market. Most people just have plain vanilla $200 Asian made units. Our $70,000 VCR units are made right here in the USA, will have Jordans signature on them, and they can even play tapes backwards! Remember when in elementary when the teacher would play the reel to reel movie backwards so everyone would laugh? You can't do that with any old Korean made VCR. No sir, we see burgeoning demand for our hi-fi, hi-end VCR units. We intend to break into the home market big time."
Ampex is an old fogie technology company with a 52 year history of inventing incredible things but never making any money off of it. Some of their wished for customers include Seagate, Quantum, Western Digital, and IBM. For more information, don't contact the company, because they'll just read off of their 10Q's and 10K's. And don't even think about suing us, lawyer squeeze king Lerach, because we just gave all our money to Michael Jordan. |
