Dear Family and Friends,
I write to you on the eve of one of the most difficult situations SJ and I have had to come to terms with, the passing of our faithful friend and companion, Bear.
I first noticed Bear was having difficulty when it would take longer and longer to complete the daily morning walks to which he had become so accustomed beginning about a month after we brought him home from the animal shelter about 9 years ago. I can't say I was terribly dissappointed to shorten the morning ritual by a few hundred yards because it allowed me more time to sit at the computer and check the pre-market activity prior to going on into work. I substituted our old "up the drive to get the mail at lunch" routine for our morning venture which most generally would suffice to get his bowels to move before his morning breakfast. I started doing the shortened version once in the morning and once in the evening after work sometime last year. For the last couple of months our walks were anything from the now shortened version to simply going outside for a few minutes to potty and then going back into the house.
Bear, as you know, is half german shepherd in addition to being half alaskan husky. I had hoped since his shoulders were lower than his hips when he was standing, the long known affliction commonly known to german shepherds wasn't going to be a problem, but hip displaysia eventually got the better of our friend.
It started rather slowly (I'm guessing) much like artharitis does in those who are afflicted with it, and has debilitated to the point where Bear cannot even stand up at times without our helping him to do so. Our support is needed even after his twice a day Rimidyl tablet. His poor hips can simply no longer support his hind legs enough to stand and walk. It is especially hard to have to do what needs to be done because even with some poor vision and hearing (although I think sometimes he simply doesn't want to hear), he doesn't seem as though he has given up on life.
SJ and I have come close to calling the vet to make arrangements for him to be put to sleep several times over the last couple of months, the last one being about two weeks ago prior to giving him a shot of Adequin. He has had several spells where he wasn't able to stand without help, but eventually he would get better and be back to his normal, albeit handicapped, self. But it has been obvious as the spells become more frequent, Bear isn't getting better with the shots and pills. Like the vet told SJ about 4 months ago, "You can't make an old dog young again no matter what you do."
It is not a decision we would care to have to make for our friend. I also worry that he can sense what we are thinking with regard to the wheels we have set into motion this evening. I never believed, until the night my mother's dad passed away, that dogs had a sixth sense about things. The night my grandfather passed, Bear barked while standing in the hallway about an hour after we had gone to bed. I found out the next day my grandfather had passed away that last night. Bear had never barked, nor has ever barked since like he did that one night. I'm convinced my grandfather was coming to visit before going on to where ever people go when their spirit leaves their body. I think Bear sensed someone or something was in our home that night while we were in bed.
As I stated, we would rather not have to make the decision as to when the time comes for Bear's spirit to leave his body. We have (well SJ mostly) prayed that God would take care of this for us perhaps allowing Bear's body to give up quietly as we all slept. It doesn't look as though this is going to happen. For about the last two months, we have been diligent to pay attention when Bear is outside. We're afraid he'll wander off and die a lonely death without our being able to find him. I just can't stand the thought of something like that happening since he has been so good (most of the time).
We called the vet this evening at home and made arrangements to put Bear to sleep tomorrow. The vet is going to come to the house tomorrow afternoon to put Bear to sleep, and then we will take Bear's body to the animal shelter where we got him to have his body cremated. We would like Bear to be home when he goes, and the vet has said she would do this for us. We don't want his last thoughts to be of some place other than where he has been with us all these 9 years. After his body has been cremated, we'll bury half where the clematis trellis is located (he loved to lay in that spot when he was outside), and the other half I'd like to keep with his collar in the house. Bear was always a house dog when he was with us, and I'd like to be able to think even though he is no longer here in bodily form, he is still with us in our home.
I've been doing okay with this decision as we've known it was going to happen sooner or later, but the emotional trauma of the loss of Bear has already beset SJ. Maybe I just have to wait until I know she is okay until I can grieve for the loss of him. Besides, I prefer to do most things of that nature alone.
Saying goodbye for Beary....
Love ya,
Mike and SJ
A P.S.....
It is now only SJ and I, hopefully with Bear's spirit still in our home.
I got up this morning early as if I would have to go to work I suppose because I could no longer sleep, but probably because of what I knew was going to be happening today. Bear remained laying next to the bed as usual after I got dressed. He didn't seem to want to get up, so I just let him lay there, thinking perhaps he wasn't able to get up on his own.
I came downstairs to make some phone calls. While speaking with Mother, I heard Bear's toe nails clicking on the linolium in the kitchen. Bear had gotten up by his own strength. I had to almost push him to get him to go outside. Afterwards, I gave him a treat instead of trying to get him to eat his food. A few minutes after he finished it, he regurgitated it back up. So I got gave him a piece of cheese folded in a piece of bread which he was able to keep down.
I wanted so much just to hold him for the better part of the day and even debated as to whether to call everything off because Bear seemed like he was better than the night before. But I knew it would only delay the inevitable. The emotional roller coaster in which we had been riding for the last two months with regard to Bear should come to an end. I couldn't justify how things were going to be better by waiting.
So after he had eaten something he could keep down, I ran some errands and worked outside for awhile hoping Bear would think it was just another one of my usual days off. Three or four months ago, he would have been outside with me while I worked, but since then, he has wanted to stay indoors almost entirely. I was hoping he wouldn't get the sense something might be going on which could make him anxious. I wanted Beary's transition from this world to wherever to be as unstressful as possible.
SJ came home from work early to be with him when he passed. The minutes just seemed to drag before the vet called to say they would be at our home shortly. I am so thankful for Bear's vet. The vet was as caring as any doctor would be if it were a human being.
I suppose it was probably a good thing the vet was a little later than planned or else SJ and I wouldn't have had to rush to get Bear to the animal shelter before it closed. We would have kept his lifeless body lying on the floor and crying over him after his passing had the time to get Bear to the shelter not been so short.
I feel somewhat guilty we put Bear to sleep. I feel as if somehow I/we may have chosen to hastily interrupt a natural progression. And I feel short changed in a way for not being more outward in grieving. I hate having to be strong when I miss Bear so much only a few hours after taking his body to the shelter. I kind of wish we would have kept him here at home just a little longer. I should also try to make a greater effort to be closer to SJ, but I just want to be alone with the past and most recent images of Bear. I/we love Bear so much.
To others: just a big, hairy dog. To us: a member of our immediate family who will no longer be with us in earthly form. |
