Think You've Got It Bad? You Could Be Matt Starr
Chances Are Wife Forced Him to Give That Foul Ball to Kid
By JIM ARMSTRONG, AOL Exclusive
The Mrs. on your case this week, bubba? She hid your flip channel, made you pick up your socks and had a headache every night? You don't know how good you've got it. You could be Matt Starr.
Starr, for those who don't have cable, is the 200-something-pound lout who belly flopped over a row of seats at a Rangers-Cardinals game in Arlington, Texas to steal a foul ball from a 4-year-old kid. And you thought the Pistons versus the Lakers was a mismatch.
Part of this is understandable, of course. Intelligent, rational people have been known to do stupid, irrational things when presented with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to rip their pants, scrape their elbows and spill their $6 beers, all for the thrill of snagging a $4 baseball.
People have fallen from the upper deck trying to snag foul balls. Men in $700 suits have gotten into shoving matches over them. Some even risk shark attacks by sitting in inflatable rafts beyond the right-field wall in San Francisco.
Remember when Barry Bonds hit his 600th home run? World War III erupted in the bleachers. Two of the survivors, the one mugged after catching the ball and the one who came away with it, wound up going to court and splitting the proceeds from the sale. After paying their lawyers, rumor has it they walked away with just enough to buy a ticket to the next day's game.
Then there's Steve Bartman. The heretofore most infamous fan in baseball history may have cost the Cubs their first shot at a World Series since the stone age. But at least he was tussling with another grown man for the ball. He didn't put a full nelson on a recent graduate from potty-training school.
Pleading temporary insanity with a ball coming your way is one thing.
Stuff happens in the stands at baseball games, especially when a guy starts mistaking his bottle of SPF30 for another brewski. It's what happened after he secured his treasure that got Starr in trouble.
He kept it, wouldn't give it up, leaving young Nick O'Brien with two empty hands and one ticked-off mother. At least she got to swat Starr with her program. Which reminds me: Where's Bonds when you need him?
Starr was showered with boos and catcalls, including one from Rangers TV analyst Tom Grieve, who called him ''the biggest jerk in this park,'' but refused to surrender his holy grail. Cardinals outfielder Reggie Sanders gave the kid a bat and ball, and others followed, but Starr held firm. No siree, bub. No way, Jose. No snot-nosed punk was going to get that four-buck ball away from him, not after he made a complete fool out of himself on TV to get it.
By the end of the game, young Nick had accumulated two bats and four balls, including one signed by Hall of Famer Nolan Ryan. Our man Matt? He was long gone, having left the yard with, according to reports, ''an unidentified woman.''
Almost Famous
Later, it was reported that Starr is a married 28-year-old landscaper and -- no really, I'm not making this up -- a former youth minister. The key word here is married, as in the unidentified woman. At least I'm assuming it was his wife. If it wasn't, mugging some kid to snag a foul ball is the least of his problems.
I'm thinking life in the Starr household hasn't exactly been wine and roses for the past few days. By Wednesday, the Rangers' front office announced that Starr had reconsidered and wanted to return the ball and buy the O'Brien's tickets to a future game. He even promised not to sit near them.
Why the change of heart? If you're married, I don't have to tell you. Repeat after me, boys: If mama isn't happy, nobody's happy.
In announcing Starr's generous gesture, a few free tickets in exchange for scaring a little kid half to death, a Rangers spokesman said ''He doesn't want any more publicity about this. He's hoping this will bring some sort of closure.''
OK, case closed. We're officially off the guy's case. But then, it's not us he has to worry about.
Jim Armstrong is a sports columnist for the Denver Post. |
