To: French Embassy in Washington
French Consulate in Los Angeles
Dear French Nation!
Shalom! As a Jew, I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I would like to thank your President Jacques Chirac for saying that Israel needs to be convinced that peace is better than war. Never mind that peace (shalom in Hebrew) is the most common word in Jewish prayers. That it is endlessly repeated in synagogues, when greeting or taking leave, when getting up or going to bed. Never mind that shalom (peace) is mentioned 77 times in the Torah, and 275 times in the Jewish Bible (The Old Testament of Christians.)
Never mind that of all the world's literature the United Nations chose to inscribe the words of Israeli Prophet Isaiah on the wall across from its building in New York. Here are these words, "and they shall beat heir swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more." Never mind that these words are said in every synagogue at nearly every assembly, and that peace is called "God's greatest gift." Therefore, the President of the Nation that still venerates general Napoleon would do better teaching cows how to make milk, or teaching grass how to grow quietly than teaching Jews or Israelis that peace is better than war.
Thank you, Jacques Chirac, for informing me about the encyclopedic extent of your ignorance. I would like also to thank the unnamed cinema near the Paris Opera for canceling a screening of the "Harry Potter" film for Jewish kids. But I am even more grateful to the police of Paris, which has failed to provide protection for these kids. Apparently Jews of any age are no longer guaranteed complete equality with the rest of the population.
France was the first country in Europe to offer Jews this guarantee, and now it is apparently also the first to revoke it.
I congratulate your great Nation for keeping up at the foreskin of progress, no matter in which direction progress turns. And how can I not mention the doctorate degree in history, which was offered to Mustafa Talas (who just happens to be Syria's Foreign Minister) by Sorbonne? The Honorable Doctor Talas has written a book on the Damascus Blood Libel of 1840, in which he claims that Jews kill Christians to obtain their blood for Passover. A true genius of historical science is Mustafa Talas, and certainly worthy of Sorbonne. I am infinitely glad that good old blood libels (perhaps the most imaginative product of European civilization), nearly forgotten in the last 50 years, are being revived in French academic circles.
You French are just wonderful: not only do you keep at the foreskin of progress, but also revive ancient traditions. (The Damascus Blood Libel started with disappearance of Father Thomas, a Franciscan superior. The French consul accused a group of rabbis and other Jews of ritual murder and extracted a "confession" by torture in which one of the victims died. Pogroms followed throughout the Middle East. The consul then requested permission from Mahemet Ali to kill the rest of his suspects. Others, including sixty children, were arrested and starved to convince their parents to confess. The charges were dropped when Sir Moses Montefiore, Adolphe Cremieux and Salomon Munk intervened on behalf of the Jews.)
I also cannot forget the events of October, 2000, with synagogues firebombed and burned, Jewish worshipers attacked and stoned. I know that President Chirac spoke out against all this, saying that this is not what he
meant when he criticized Israel. Well, as English playwright Shakespeare said, "Me thinks the Lady doth protest too much." The President's criticisms of Israel had been (and remain) so extensive, so common and so unforgiving, that I cannot possibly believe him. The events of October, 2000 is exactly what he meant.
And if there is any doubt about it, your ambassador to the United Kingdom Daniel Bernard has cleared it up. Not only did he call Israel "that shitty little country," (quite a polite and diplomatic fellow is Daniel Bernard, is he not?) but he also ante-factum (before the fact) blamed the Jewish people for starting World War Three.
My greatest gift of gratitude, therefore, goes to him. He has discovered in me (even if I do not belong to "those people") a horrifying quality of causing world wars, a terrible character flaw about which I hitherto had been completely unaware. He has also forewarned the Jews of our pre-assigned guilt.
I would like to inform you that I have decided to join the campaign against France. I will not visit or fly through France and its colonies of Guadeloupe, Martinique, and St. Pierre.
That I will also boycott all products made in France, including perfume and cosmetics industry, designer fashion labels, French wines, chocolates, etc. That I will use my money to buy Israeli products, and travel to Israel and other countries who still think that Jews are human and should not live at the mercy of Palestinian terrorists.
Further I am happy to report that today April 13, I was able to convince 4 customers in a two wine shops in New York not to buy any wine from France and at Bloomingdale I was able to convince at least 5 woman not to touch any French Perfume ...... and this effort was a token effort on my side which will continue
I will also contact all people I know and try to get them to do the same.
Let it be a humble manifestation of my gratitude.
Sincerely, and Shalom!
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