FLASH: KERRY WARNS KETCHUP PRICES COULD TOP $10.00 A GALLON
August 24, 2004 Special to John Kerry for President thread
John Kerry, the Democratic candidate for top dog warned today that ketchup prices could top $10.00 a gallon if his wife, Teresa Heinz, has her way.
At a specially called news conference this morning in the midst of a new Swift Boat attack on her husband, Teresa Heinz summoned the New York and Washington press corps to her multimillion dollar home in Georgetown.
She announced to a breathless and thoughtless crowd:
"With oil prices hitting the roof because of Bush's collusion with the Saudi Prince, I am telling the world here and now that I will not stand for Ketchup prices remaining at their current unfairly low level. It is simply unfair. If the Republicans can manipulate the price of oil upward, then the Democrats can retaliate by assisting me as I ratchet up the price of America's favorite ketchup. I am raising the price of Heinz ketchup to $8.00 a gallon effective immediately. If the Swift Boat crowd does not lay off, I may have to raise it an additional $2.00 to $10.00 a gallon," Terresa opined.
"That'll show em who'se the real boss around here," Teresa said.
McDonalds and Burger King, in a follow-up joint press release, moaned:
"How could that coward, George Bush, let oil prices go through the roof just before the Republican Convention. He obviously knew that Teresa Heinz would have to retaliate by raising the price of ketchup. Bush has inflicted untold pain and suffering on millions of America's obese. Now we will have to raise the price of hamburgers to make up for the additional cost of ketchup. After all, we have to make a profit on each of our hamburgers or we will be forced to lay off thousands of PH.D's who recently received their degrees but could not find a decent job in Bush's America."
John Kerry, in a special appearance before FatAmerica for the Hero, promised that he would talk with Teresa. "She's a very determined woman," Kerry said. "But with my record of service in Vietnam and my three purple hearts and an additional heretofore unannounced special service award from the CIA for my services in Cambodia, I think I can handle her."
Meanwhile, the price of ketchup futures on the Chicago Commodity Exchange went through the roof.
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