Kute Kolumn by Kurtz
You'll Know Who Won If . . .
By Howard Kurtz
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, February 3, 2004; Page C01
Here's how to tell from tonight's coverage whether Sen. John Kerry is on his way to the Democratic presidential nomination:
Bill O'Reilly says Kerry will never be president because he's afraid to be on "The Factor."
Larry King announces he's canceling a joint appearance by Janet Jackson and her wardrobe consultant to interview Teresa Heinz Kerry.
Chris Matthews says: "Kerry might pick John Edwards as his running mate, unless he goes with Dick Gephardt, and you know Kerry looks really strong, he's got the veterans sewn up, and the whole Lincolnesque thing, although some people think he looks French, but as an old Democratic warhorse, fabulous guy, said to me the other day . . ."
Seven states are voting today, which gives the anchors, reporters and prognosticators a chance to tap dance as the results trickle in. But it's important for those watching at home to understand the code. Here are some possible scenarios:
• If Kerry wins all seven states (South Carolina, Delaware, Oklahoma, Missouri, North Dakota, New Mexico and Arizona):
The pundits will declare the race over, with just over 10 percent of the delegates selected, and start chattering about what kind of acceptance speech Kerry needs to deliver at the convention this summer in Boston.
ABC and CNN will retire their costly campaign buses and make their reporters travel by bicycle.
"Dateline" will launch an investigation of the grave allegation that Kerry has used Botox.
People magazine will assign a spread on the many fashions of Teresa. Us Weekly will interview Kerry's former girlfriends.
Windsurfer magazine, which put a windsurfing Kerry on the cover, will become hot new book on the Upper West Side.
The Weekly Standard's Fred Barnes will write that Kerry is a phony populist because he has a home "on fancy Beacon Hill" and an "estate near Rock Creek Park." (Oh wait, that already ran.)
Another 136 veterans will tell "20/20" that Kerry saved their lives in Vietnam.
The RNC will launch a Web site called CrazyKerry.com.
The Boston Globe will hire 20 new reporters to work on a 45-part series on Kerry's life.
Business Week will investigate the Heinz ketchup fortune.
A height-challenged journalist will write an article lamenting that the tallest candidate always wins. (Oops, a Washington Post reporter did that a few weeks ago.)
Correspondents will keep badgering Edwards about when he will quit and beg Kerry for the VP slot.
Darrell Hammond will get big hair and start a new impersonation for "Saturday Night Live."
Jay Leno will beg Kerry to come back and promise that, unlike last time, he won't be ridiculed by Triumph the Comic Insult Dog.
• If Edwards wins South Carolina:
In a transparent effort to keep the race alive, the anchors (who are camped out in South Carolina because they like the restaurants in Charleston) will cast it as a groundbreaking victory.
Some reporters will keep badgering Edwards about when he will quit and beg Kerry for the VP slot, since he was only able to win one measly state, in which he happened to have been born.
Newsweek will run a cover story on how niceness is in.
Time will run a cover story on the rise of the New South.
U.S. News will run a cover story on the Civil War.
The Wall Street Journal editorial page will savage Edwards as the champion of voracious trial lawyers who would bankrupt America in their pursuit of greed.
The Nation will hail Edwards as the champion of valiant trial lawyers who are the last best hope for holding greedy corporations accountable.
People, which once picked Edwards as America's sexiest politician, will name him the sexiest person on the planet.
The National Enquirer will pay big bucks for college photos of Edwards in a Speedo.
• If Howard Dean wins any state:
The same pundits who dismissed Dean as a gadfly last year, then insisted he was unstoppable, then pronounced last rites after Iowa and New Hampshire, will be buzzing about a Dean comeback. They will do so without a trace of embarrassment.
The New York Times will run a front-page analysis titled "The Scream: Was It a Blessing in Disguise?"
Seventeen thousand bloggers will post screeds with the same approximate theme: We told you so.
Vanity Fair will run an essay on the New Anger, with black-and- white photos by Annie Leibovitz of Dean in various grimaces.
Thousands of journalists will stop comparing the Dean campaign to the dot-com bubble and start comparing it to the housing bubble.
Dean's campaign manager of seven days, Roy Neel, will get a positive profile -- somewhere.
MSNBC will give smelling salts to its embedded Dean reporter, who was near death from boredom, and start putting him on the air again.
Returning journalists will boost Vermont's economy.
Judy Steinberg Dean will be interviewed by Barbara Walters, Katie Couric, Greta Van Susteren, Judy Woodruff, Deborah Norville and Roseanne. She will also sing on "American Idol."
• If Wesley Clark wins Oklahoma:
The boys on the bus will start saluting when the general boards.
GQ will run a spread with preppy models on the importance of argyle sweaters.
Journalists who couldn't find Oklahoma on a map will start touting it as a political bellwether.
The New York Post will pore over tapes of Clark's stint as a CNN commentator, looking for secret eye-blink messages.
On "Crossfire," James Carville will explain Clark's appeal by decreeing: "It's the military, stupid." Bob Novak will say that senior administration officials have leaked him information that Clark's wife, Gertrude, was really commanding NATO forces in Kosovo.
"Inside Edition" will interview Slobodan Milosevic about his fondest memories of Clark.
Acid-tongued campaign spokesman Chris Lehane will be allowed back on TV.
Fox News will put Clark supporter Michael Moore on day and night in the hope that he'll start cursing out President Bush.
A very young MTV deejay will wonder whether someone from Arkansas could really be elected president.
• If Joe Lieberman trails the major candidates everywhere:
The Connecticut senator, who wound up fifth in New Hampshire but insisted that "we are in a three-way split decision for third place," will tell reporters that he is now best positioned to capture the nomination because he has brilliantly lowered expectations to the point that anything he does will exceed them.
• No matter what happens: The pundits will start chanting that it's not too late for Hillary.
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