Loughner friend who outed him as lefty describes nasty reaction of media to her
In My Own Words, The Past Three Weeks Of My Life & The Tragedy In Tucson
caitieparker.tumblr.com
Okay so here goes, my attempt at explaining the mess of the past few weeks. I’m still dealing with the emotions and processing it all, but I hope my emotions stay in check, so I can write out a memory, and a long one at that…
I was woken up on Saturday (on my days off I sleep odd hours), by my dad opening my door and saying, “Gabrielle Giffords was shot at the Safeway down the street.” I got out of bed, and rushed out the TV to see what had taken place. I was in complete disbelief. The shooting took place about 2 minutes and/or a mile from my house. I pass by the shopping center on a daily basis. I was shocked about Giffords. I voted for Giffords, my entire family did. I personally think she’s a one of a kind politician, who really cares about here constituents. Many people in my family, many of who are republicans, even voted for her, I think that says a lot! I wondered what kind of evil spirited person would just shoot someone at an event like this? Heck, who would shoot someone period? We continued watching, going through the wringer of emotions like everyone else. Was it a Tea Partier? Was Sarah Palin’s map to blame? Gabrielle Giffords Died? No, wait, Gabrielle Giffords in surgery. It was a heap of misinformation.
Around 2 my sisters said they were going to head home. As soon as they closed the door the news said, “Details just in, the shooter is a man by the name of, Jared Loughner.” I without even thinking got up and sprinted out the door, my sisters were in their car starting to back out, and I just started banging on the passenger window. I was almost screaming, “It’s Jared, the shooters Jared, Jared, you know Jared, oh my god!” My sisters parked the car and went back in to console me. I then in my shock and disbelief felt inclined to tweet, to my then meager 128 followers (most I knew personally), that the shooter was in fact Jared. I had NO idea what a circus that single tweet would become. Questions began pouring in; I had gone viral.
I went to go find one of my yearbooks, just in some faint panicked hope, that I was mistaken; it was spelled entirely different from what I knew. I had always confused the “OU” for “AU” in his name, and hoped it was spelled even differently. I hoped that I would find some complete different spelling, and I could breathe easy. I knew that wasn’t going to be the case, but in my panic, I had to check. Then a friend on Facebook confirmed he had gone to Mountain View. My heart sank, I began shaking uncontrollably, and my stomach had a huge knot. I couldn’t believe that the Jared I knew was the man capable of this.
My phone then rang; it was my mom. She said, “Caitie Good Morning America just called here looking for you, I gave her your number, and said you’ll talk to her.” She didn’t know what a circus this would become, neither did I. A few minutes later the GMA lady called, and asked me a series of general questions. She then asked if I would be able to do an on camera interview later in the evening. I thought to myself, “hey, one interview, that shouldn’t hurt. People will get to know the Jared I knew, and understand he wasn’t always like this.” I wasn’t thinking straight, my head was all jumbled with memories, and panic, I said yes. My sister then called saying NBC was looking for me, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I didn’t want them to continue to bother my sister, so I called the guy back. He wanted to do an interview that evening as well. I went to grab dinner with my dad, and my phone just kept ringing, and ringing. I didn’t answer any of the calls.
I had to meet the ABC and NBC news crews at 5 at my old high school. Both networks were trying to scoop the other, and kept moving the times to do so. I did ABC first. I met the camera guy, and the producer, while he was on the phone talking to a higher up. They sprung on me last minute that I’d be doing a radio interview as well. I just went with it. As soon as ABC finished, the NBC guys went down the list of pretty much the exact same questions. I thought, “whew, finally, this is over, I’ll never hear from these people again, and I’ll be left alone.” Boy, was I wrong.
I got home and after checking my phone, and e-mail, I had an idea, something had happened, and everyone wanted to talk to me, after my inbox loaded with over 2,000 e-mails (that includes Twitter notifications). While sifting through everything, the NBC guy I’d met earlier called, and said, “the NBC higher ups are requesting another interview. You think you could do the Today Show with us tomorrow?” I thought to myself, “you’ve already committed to one interview, what’s one more?” (Again stupid me). I replied, “Yeah that’d be fine.” We finished our phone call, and had a series of calls throughout the night to confirm details.
As night swept in, and I had a chance to sit, and just be, I realized, I was in complete shock. I hadn’t been able to feel anything. I gave those first two interviews, just completely numb. It started to sink in a little more, and my mind just started racing, and wouldn’t stop. I had to keep myself busy. I had a heap of questions from people on Twitter, so I figured I’d answer a few, and again stupid me! I had a 4:30 AM wakeup call. I tossed and turned the entire night. I slept maybe 30 minutes straight. I went over and over, and over the details of the day in my head, my memories with Jared. I still hoped that I was mistaken, that when they released his mugshot, it wouldn’t be him, and I could move on.
4:30 AM rolled around sooner than I cared for. I did the usual morning routine, makeup, breakfast, yada, yada. I was in such shock, after letting the previous days events sink in. My lips were literally quivering, my whole body was trembling, my stomach in knots, I felt sick to my stomach. I tried to suppress those feelings, and walked out of my house with my dad, for moral support, and got into a car the Today Show insisted on sending for me. (Let it be known I did offer to drive myself). After the driver got us lost, and directing him on how to get to our destination, I arrived at my old high school, again. There was a satellite truck and set up with a bunch of lights for the interview.
The main guy (I can’t remember the NBC guys names, but they were SUPER nice.) hopped into our car, and told us that the interview was pushed back a half hour, and to just chill in the car. He brought me coffee and said, “The coffee shop across the way just opened up, I’d be happy to pick you up more coffee if you want.” My dad replied, “That’d be great” I said, ”I’m fine with this thanks.” He turned to my dad and says, “you’re good then right?” I couldn’t help but laugh at his reply, typical showbiz haha. A few minutes later the guy came back and went over questions for the interview, hardly any the questions he groomed me on, I was actually asked. I sat in the car praying and trying to calm myself down, I still felt sick with shock.
The guy came back ten minutes later, and gave me a tour of the satellite truck. The soundman then proceeded to mic me up, and put an ear piece in my ear. They walked me out to the “set” where I met the cameraman. It was FREEZING out; the poor guys were so cold. I kept trying to cheer them up. They kept trying to make sure I wasn’t cold. I had tons of lights on me; I was cold, but not near as cold as the guys. I joked, “hey you guys are the real stars, maybe we should switch places, and you guys can warm up over here.” They all laughed. They told me they’d driven all night from Vegas to be here to set up and do my interview, a very dedicated bunch.
While all of this was going on, I kept getting people in my ear talking. “Caitie, mic check, count to ten for me.” “Caitie, 3 minutes out.” “1 minute out” I heard them start to talk about Tucson. Someone in my ear says, “Good morning Caitie, you’re up next.” At that same time Lester Holt started talking to me.” That’s why I stupidly say good morning twice in that interview haha. We went on with the interview, I stated what I knew. It didn’t seem that I was the person Mr. Holt wanted to talk to that morning. I have nothing against him, he just didn’t really get down to the nitty gritty. I guess I didn’t portray him in the light the nation wanted. I made it clear, I hadn’t seen him in almost 4 years, and when I knew him, he was for the most part normal. I finished up the short interview.
The main guy then says, “MSNBC wants to talk to you, stay right there, you’re live with them in 5.” Wasn’t prepared for that one, swung that on me last minute, but I went with it, I was all wired up, it’s not like I could just leave. We all stood around the camera waiting for MSNBC to put me on. I again went through the set up routine. “Count to ten for me.” Etc. etc. etc. Then the lady who was going to interview me, I believe her name was Alex (forgive me if I am mistaken), was in my earpiece and wanted to talk to me before we went live. I appreciated that, it made it seem like I wasn’t going to be thrown to the wolves. She really wanted to know what I knew before she bombarded me with questions.
After a few minutes, there was a short pause, and I was live yet again. She went through the barrage of questions we had previously talked about. Then she went and made the story about my Twitter feed and me. She did a play by play of the previous days Tweets, and wanted to know what I personally was feeling. I did my best to try and not make the story about myself. If this were any other situation the media attention would have been exciting, but, for this, it was shameful. I hate that for the remainder of my life, I’m going to be associated with Jared, all thanks to my big mouth, and Twitter. Anyone that says I wanted my fifteen minutes of fame for this is insane. Why would I want to be associated with a mass murderer? If I wanted fame for anything, I’d want it to be for something I accomplished, not an act that someone else horrifyingly completed. That being said, out of the 4 interviews I did, MSNBC was my favorite, she actually treated me like a person, not just someone to get a story from.
After the interview I was escorted back into the sat truck, while the soundman took my mic and earpiece off. The cameraman said, “This is your first time doing anything like this, isn’t it?” I replied, “yeah” he continued, “In events like this it’s firsts for most people. You did really well though. You spoke well, and you looked good. You’re a pro now.” I thanked him for his kindness. I said goodbye to the guys, and thanked them all for being so nice, and wished them well on their lives, and in the short-term just getting some sleep. As I was leaving the main guy asked if I would be okay with doing the Nightly News that night, I told him I’d think about it. I got into the car, and headed home, more exhausted than ever.
I got home, took a long shower, and got in my PJ’s. I watched the Today Show interview, and decidedly, resigned to my bed. I desperately needed sleep. I put my phone on silent, and slept for an unrestful, tossing, and turning, four hours. When I awoke, I had a heap of missed calls, 7 from the same number. I listened to the message and it was from Dateline NBC. Somehow they got the impression I was doing an interview with them that night, an interview I knew nothing about. Nightly News called too. I was so fed up with being bothered; I didn’t return a single call.
I got angry, tired of being berated and bothered by everyone. I was determined to be defiant of my predicament. I was going to Tweet like I always had, I was going to continue to live my life as I had; I wasn’t going to let this hinder me. With that, I arranged a meeting with a family friend to drop of a job application to him. He asked to meet at La Encantada, I agreed, not thinking of what I’d have to pass to get there.
As I pulled out of my house, I then thought to myself, “Caitie, what the heck are you doing? You’re going to have to go right past the crime scene. Better buck up and prepare yourself.” With that I started towards my destination. By the grace of the light gods, and trust me in Oro Valley this is a rare occasion, I got through every light, no red lights at all. As I slowed to the left turn lane to turn onto Ina, I was fortunate the left arrow had just started. I got in the far left lane, and refused to even acknowledge the site to my right, I could sure feel its presence though. I arrived at my destination, and just waited in my car for the person I was to be meeting. He arrived a few minutes later, and just wanted to see how I was, and how I was feeling. A brief conversation, and I was on my way back home.
As I was coming up the crime scene again, I wasn’t as fortunate, and traffic was backed up. This time, I’d have to really take it in. There were news cars strung down a half-mile on either side, police cars all throughout the parking lot, yellow tape surrounding the area. That alone was too much. I began to really take in the scene while sitting and begging the light to turn green. I began to feel the evil surrounding the area. It felt like a stack of bricks were pinned on my chest, I couldn’t breathe, and I started almost hyperventilating. It was the most horrible feeling I’ve ever had in my life. The only thing I can compare it to is, seeing the site of Ground Zero in New York City, which I have done. I was overwhelmed. You could feel the death; you could feel Jared’s evil. I was almost screaming at the light to turn green, I couldn’t take being around the scene anymore; I had to get home, and get home NOW!
When I got home, I stormed into my house, threw my purse down, and sat down on my couch, and began to explain the feelings I had just experienced with my dad. I lost it and began to cry uncontrollably. This was the first time I had cried since the shooting happened. I was too shocked, and numb, to feel, going by the crime scene changed that. I began to really realize, a person I once called a friend, killed 6 people, and wounded 13. He became a monster, an evil person, someone I never wished to be associated with, someone I wished I had never even known. I watched a little TV and forced myself to try and sleep, since I had to be to work at 6 am the next morning.
When I got to work in the morning, I was very anxious of what my coworkers were going to say. I was worried I was going to break down. I was feeling at my ultimate low, and really didn’t want to be at work. I rang the doorbell to get in, and my coworker’s words were, “hey, I saw you on TV!” I nodded and sulked towards the break room. As I walked in and three of my coworkers were by the time clock, they saw me, and said way too enthusiastically, “Hey look it’s the celebrity!” I let out a huge sigh, and said, “This is just insane.”
All throughout the day everyone wanted to know what it was like being on TV. They thought it was soooo cool that so many different media outlets wanted to talk to me. One person even said to me, “how are you enjoying your new found celebrity?” Another coworker even said, “Did you get any money? You should ask for money!” Yeah, because that’ll make me look real good, and super truthful, NOT! We have special needs people come in and take the plastic off merchandise on truck days, and one of the guys in that group says to his friend, “I saw this girl on TV and she talked about the shooter…” I, doing my job, was walking to cardboard compactor with empty boxes, and he saw me. He gasped, and says, “That’s her!!” He then runs and introduces himself to me. I tried to be as nice as possible, considering inside I just wanted to curl up in the fetal position and cry. He was a sweetheart, and the nicest person I’d encountered all day.
As the day went on I got so extremely frustrated. I wanted to walk out of work so bad. I couldn’t take this, not right now. Not one person at my work asked me how I was, if I was okay. It was all poking and prodding. I do not want to be a celebrity for this. Why would I enjoy this? What is fun about this? I think peoples true character comes out in times of need and crisis, sad to say, most the people at my work failed. I walked out of work feeling defeated. I got into my car, called my mom, and just cried my eyes out.
I called my dad on my way home and he informed me that the New York Daily News had shown up at my house. They pressed my dad for an interview, and he told them I wasn’t giving any further interviews. The reply, “That’s okay, we’ll be here all week.” That reply didn’t sit well with me; it kind of made me paranoid to be honest. I made sure my dad was outside when I arrived home.
With people like that around, I decided I was just going to release a statement to everyone that had asked me for an interview, I didn’t want to be a part of this in any way shape or form. I had to think about what I was going to write; I decided to take a shower. While in the shower, I thought out the words in my head. What are synonyms for the word evil? How do I convey my remorse? How do I enable people to see things from my point of view? How to I make sure, this concludes my media attention, without any lingering questions? I got dressed, and pulled up the notes app on my iPhone, and typed the following:
“Thank you for the interview offers. I am declining any further interviews.
I think now is the time for us to mourn, and the time to heal. Whether our wounds are physical or within ourselves, the focus should be on the victims and their families. At times in life we witness acts of malicious intent, and wonder who could do such a thing. Sadly, I know the face of this tragedy. I know his laugh, I know his voice, and have many memories from yester year; they haunt me. The boy I knew then was kind, understanding, funny, and a great listener. The man he became is something I will never understand. I hope one day we all can come to find our own sense of peace and understanding in spite of this event. Now is the time to mourn, not a time to speak.
Thank you,
Caitie Parker.”
I read the statement to my dad, and called and read it to my mom, they both liked it. So with the approval, I copied and pasted it to every media request I had received, as well as on Twitter. I hoped with all my being, this would be the end up this media storm.
Many people replied and thanked me for replying, and left me alone. Others, including the New York Daily News guy kept e-mailing me prying about questions. I made it clear, I wasn’t doing an interview, I got angry with the guy, he needed to learn to take a damn hint. CNN Piers Morgan e-mailed me and wanted me to get in touch with Jared’s parents. I thought that was the most scumbag thing of anyone to ask, that didn’t even warrant a reply, I just pushed delete. One journalist from the Phoenix New Times was a sweetheart, and the nicest journalist I’d dealt with. He didn’t poke and prod, I really appreciated that. About 90% of the journalists I dealt with were like the ambulance chasers of the news; I didn’t like it at all. I hoped with the statement, no one else would want to talk to me.
That night they released Jared’s mugshot, I’ve never been so haunted by a picture. His eyes used to be this bright crystal blue. They were full of joy, and promise. Now, they looked black, soulless, and evil. It’s like in movies when someone’s possessed and their eyes are black and empty. Safe to say after that I didn’t sleep very well.
I had a lot of nightmares. I couldn’t sleep until the sun came up, the dark paralyzed me. Every time I shut my eyes I saw Jared’s mugshot in my mind. I went over what it must have been like to be at the Safeway. What I would have done it I was there. What being shot felt like. I reminisced on memories of Jared, and wracked my brain trying to find a sign, a trigger, that would make me understand this. I kept having four recurring nightmares. First, I was at the shooting and saw Jared and I ran up to try and stop him. When he was subdued, I just kept screaming at him, and kicking him yelling, “Jared why would you do this?! You killed innocent people! Jared talk to me! How could you do this!?” I saw the death all around me. Second, was Jared standing over my bed, or in my house charging at me, screaming in his deranged state with a knife saying, “you shouldn’t have spoke Caitie, I told you to plead the fifth!!!” The other, I went to go visit him, and we were separated by glass, and had those telephone things. I said to him, “Jared, I came here because I want to understand. What was going on in your head? What happened? Why did you kill all those innocent people?” He then gets this twisted look in his eye, turns his neck to the side, puts his hands on the class and just starts screaming a deafening scream, and then starts laughing. The last, I had to go testify. I walked into the courtroom and he’s staring at with this deranged smile. I’m going through my questioning, and he interrupts. “Caitie, I said to plead the fifth! Why are you speaking to these people?! I’m going to KILL you!!!!!” To which he proceeds to get loose, finagle a gun off of an officer and shoot me. I’d wake up every 20 minutes gasping for air. This continued every night. I still have nightmares, some nights all night, some just a few, the others none, just depends on the day.
The next few days kind of became jumbled into one. I spent time with family, and tried to stay mum on the subject. I needed to let it all sink in. I wasn’t the easiest person to be around by any means. I sulked around, I felt numb to joy, I couldn’t feel anything but pain. I had a lot of anxiety. I couldn’t go anywhere without someone going with me. I couldn’t even walk out of my house without someone going with me. I was paranoid. It didn’t help that even more journalists found my home and kept knocking on the door. I wasn’t myself, and most people thought I was overacting, but I couldn’t help how I felt. Wednesday, Dr. Phil e-mailed and wanted an interview, I didn’t even reply. Dr. Oz asked too, though I love Dr. Oz, I was tired of talking. I thought maybe that’d be the last of it, this time I was right, thank god!
Thursday rolled around, and I tried to face my fear, and go out to get lunch by myself. As I was leaving the restaurant my phone was ringing, it was an unknown number, I didn’t answer. I had a message, it was from the FBI, and they wanted to speak with me. I called the command center and they got me in touch with the officer, she requested to meet me for an interview. I called my mom in a panic; I was scared I had done something wrong. She told me to be calm, and just tell the truth, like I had done this whole time. With that I made my way to the meeting. I had to pass the crime scene again, and did my best to ignore it, but I again began to almost hyperventilate.
When I got to the meeting, I was met by two officers. I asked them if they needed to see my ID, they laughed and said, “No we know everything about you.” Definite big brother, 1984 moment. They began to quiz me on my life; I think they knew more about me than I did. Haha. After verifying I was who I said I was, we began the interview. It was a good 20-minute conversation. The lady asked the questions, while the guy watched the area and my body language. He was like The Mentalist, or straight from the BAU on Criminal Minds, he read me too well.
When the questioning was concluded they asked if I had any questions, I had one. “Is there a chance I’ll be subpoenaed?” The woman replied, “There’s a good chance. I say just prepare yourself for it.” I said, “I’m just nervous about having to look at him.” The guy interjected, “he is a funny looking dude.” I kinda laughed. The guy continued, “I can tell you feel really bad, and guilty about all of this. But it’s people like you who keep people like him under wraps. You seem like the only person who’s actually tried to understand him, and give him a chance. You may not have been able to stop him now, but you may have stopped him from doing it sooner.” That made me feel a little bit better. I still wished I would’ve been a better friend, and kept in touch the past four years, but I hadn’t. They said they left a card in my door at home, and to call if I thought of anything about Jared. With that I said goodbye, and wished them luck on the Tucson traffic. The guy replied in his thick accent, “oh my god, I’m from New York, and I’ve never seen such horrible driving in my life!” I laughed, and said, “stop on a dime, don’t use your turn signal, 10 miles below the speed limit kind of driving.” He nodded, and said, “It’s horrible.”
I walked out of the meeting feeling relieved, my dad met me in the parking lot, I guess he was nervous I was going on my own, and decided to meet up with me. I had him sit in my car as I recanted what had just happened, I called my mom and did the same. I then headed on my trek home. As I got past Orange Grove traffic was really backed up, and I had a sickening feeling I’d be stuck, left to endure the crime scene again. I called my sister and said, “talk to me, just keep talking to me, I’m going to by the crime scene, and I can’t breathe.” She tried to talk me down. I was stuck along the crime scene for a good 3 minutes; I was in a panic. I’ve never hated rush hour traffic so much in my life. The stack of bricks feeling was lingering, my breathing shallowed, my hands trembled, I think I had a full-on panic or anxiety attack. I made a decision then, that I would go completely out of my way to avoid going by the crime scene again, it was too fresh, and I couldn’t handle it.
I have had to go by the crime scene again since, it was with my mom and sister on the way to a store. I again had a panic attack. I don’t know what to do, no matter how many times I go by the place I lose it. I think it’s going to be a long while until I can even go past it without freaking out. I don’t know if I’ll ever get the point where I can go to the shopping center again. I used to frequent the La Salsa in it, don’t know if I can even go there anymore.
I have a hard time going anywhere that reminds me of Jared. There’s a Sonic down the street from his house, haven’t been able to get my happy hour drink on since. I can’t go down Ina road at all. Since he went to the Chevron, Circle K, and Walgreens on it, used to frequent them all. He stayed at the Motel 6 by the highway on Ina behind the Jack In The Box, can’t get my late night insomnia eat on. Can’t go down Cortaro, or to the Circle K on Cortaro, where he caught his cab on the fateful day. He also lives (I guess now, lived) between Cortaro and Ina. Can’t go to the La Cholla or Cortaro Walmart because he went to both to buy bullets. After it all sank in, I can’t even go by our high school or college. I’ve found myself taking the super long way around, just to avoid any places he went to. I know there’s a problem here, and I need to face these issues, but for now, for my own sanity, I need to avoid them.
That Saturday (a week after the shooting) I went to church with my family. My mom leads the worship team; I was there to sing a song. While sitting in the pews, I had a hard time not crying at the songs, they just triggered memories. I didn’t want to talk about my struggles with anyone, I was paranoid someone would harbor anger towards me for knowing him. My mom in between songs says, “She probably doesn’t want me to talk about this, but my daughter Caitie (points to me), had a very challenging week, she knew Jared Loughner.” I began to breakdown into tears. She continued, “She had to talk to the FBI this past week and one of officers told her, “You seem like the only person who’s actually tried to understand him, and give him a chance. You may not have been able to stop him now, but you may have stopped him from doing it sooner.” The whole congregation began to sniffle. She continued, “That’s my daughter. Since she was a little girl she has always been friend to the underdog. A kid would be being made fun of, she’d interrupt, take the kid out of the situation and say, “come over here with me, hang out with me.” Her heart is breaking, she’s told me over and over, “he was such a funny guy, so kind” She has such a wonderful spirit, and compassion for others, she’s such a great Christian.” I don’t think there was a dry eye in the place after that, but thanks to my mom for saying such kind things about me.
I have a hard time just wrapping my head around it, understanding how the same boy I grew up with was capable of something so evil. I have memories of him flashing through my mind all the time. The simplest things can trigger a memory. I’ll see a picture, a band, a website, I’ll even remember stuff in my dreams. I’ve been wracking my brain to remember every, insignificant (until recently), detail of the time we spent together.
I remember the ramp/hallway/alley we used to eat lunch in. We’d all get the same thing for lunch everyday, but it didn’t stop us from asking each other what he had. The reply would always be, “got my chimi” (for those not up on Mexican food lingo, that’s chimichanga). I remember our math class together freshman year; our other friend (not naming names because I don’t want to bring him or any of our friends into this mess I’m in) and I would talk about music all the time. Our teacher didn’t really take too kindly to that, and out of all the people in class, only us three failed, go figure that one out. That was a funny subject for a while. I remember P.E. freshman year us, and other friends of ours would run around the track singing songs, and again talking about music and politics. Even in our warm ups, it was always music.
I think back to the time I went over to his house with my bandmates to try him out as a guitarist for our band. I had been to a friend’s house on the same block, and thought I knew how to get to his place, but I got lost. I called him and he was slightly annoyed, “Caitie, I gave you perfect directions, how did you get lost?” I replied, “Because I went a different way” he laughed, went outside and gave me step-by-step directions until I saw him. We jammed for a good three hours in his garage that day. He was more distortion pedal, metal sounding guitarist; I was more pop-ish leaning towards acoustic. We had fun, but musically we never meshed. At his house we went to his room, so he could give me back a Minor Threat DVD he had borrowed. His walls were covered in Doors and Hendrix posters, it was slightly dark, but nothing about his house or room seemed ominous or weird. I have pictures we took that day, nothing in those photos make it seem like he was anything but a normal teenager.
I think about the day we all learned our friend Shawn had killed himself on Valentines Day in 2004, and how we were all coping. I remember standing in our hall trying to be the strong one, but I broke down. I remember my friend Ryan just holding me while I cried, and Jared saying, “It’ll be okay, really it will.” He was the true strong one, not me.
I eerily remember, Jared and a friend coming into my homeroom class sophomore year, which was English. My teacher, Miss Simon, Pam Simon, yes one of the shooting victims. My friend came in to return a tape he had borrowed, Jared just tagged along. That memory haunts me, knowing what I know now.
Miss Simon was a great person. She was always playing music while we wrote, and would mention she bought the cd on PBS, and how she was a big supporter of public broadcasting. She would talk about political rallies; it was obvious she was a democrat. Her class was super easy, it didn’t challenge me in the least, but her spirit, made it an alright class to start my day in.
I flash forward to college, and realizing my first day on my second semester of college that my friend from high school was in a class with me. I had to leave high school early due to medical issues, so I wasn’t expecting to see anyone from high school in college yet. It was a sign language class, a 3 hour-long sign language class, which met 2 times a week. We couldn’t speak in the class, and no, Jared wasn’t disruptive or weird, or anything of the sort, he did really well in the class. I remember we paired up a lot when we had to do something with partners, and he was always horrible at not mouthing the words as he spelled them. I was horrible at not laughing at him.
We used to have a ten-minute break in the middle of class. We would always spend that time talking. I think about him talking about why he left Mountain View. I think about him talking about partying and me saying, “I never get invited to parties, people don’t like straight edge people at parties.” He laughed and shook his head, and says; “See you can party with me anytime, the more straight edge people, the more alcohol for me.” I remember him talking about how he snuck into club crawl (at the time we were only 18).
I think to the time he and I were talking with a classmate. They were going on and on about the ideal girl, and I was adding my two cents from a girls perspective. One guy says, “I hate when girls cuss, it’s just so vulgar and un-lady like.” To which I replied being snarky as always, “Nah dude, fuck that!” Jared almost split a gut laughing. I remember the time we were talking about our jobs; he worked at Red Robin then. I said, “Well they have pretty decent food.” He replied, “no, and promise me you’ll never go there, they’re all drug addicts, and they’ll probably mess with your food.” I headed his advice, and still every time I pass Red Robin in the Tucson Mall I think about what he said.
The only thing that in hindsight makes me thing something was changing in his head, was him giving me his manifesto. I vividly remember it being rolled up in his back pocket and him handing it to me on our break and him asking me to read it, and I did. I really didn’t understand what he meant, it was something about grammar and dreaming, that’s really all I remember; it didn’t make all that much sense. I wanted to be supportive of my friend though, so I said, “Well it’s definitely a different idea, very unique.” He got excited, and replied, “Yes! That’s what I was going for! You get it!” I didn’t want to upset him, so I just nodded.
I think back to that last time I saw Jared in person, at least what I remember of it. I mentioned how I had just started dating a guy I had known since childhood, and how he was flying down from where he lived to see me that weekend. Jared lit up and was so enthused. He said, “Heyyy, that’s so great Caitie, I’m so happy for you, you deserve to be happy.” The relationship didn’t last, but Jared’s enthusiasm for my happiness stuck with me; I wanted supportive people like that in my life, people who were excited for little triumphs in life.
I think to him talking on Myspace about how he was going to meet Giffords at a rally and ask her, “What is government if words have no meaning?” At the time, I thought he was just being the usual philosophical out of the box thinking, Jared. I never would have thought in a million years, his being upset about how she replied to his question would lead to this. Heck, when the shooting first happened I thought to myself, “Oh my gosh, I hope Jared’s not there, I hope he didn’t go to meet and ask her another question.” I never once thought he would be the shooter.
The last time I ever talked to Jared was in February 2008, via Myspace. I made a long blog about the four-year anniversary of Shawn dying (above mentioned). He commented the blog saying, “Very touching story Caitie, I was just thinking about him the other day, I’m surprised you can remember that much.”
I hope maybe these memories give you all an idea of the kind of guy Jared was. Nothing in him ever made me thing he was capable of this. It’s like two separate people. I have to divide it in my head, Jared my friend, and Jared the killer. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to understand. I tried to explain my disbelief to a friend, just so she could understand how hard it was for me to see him as the monster became. I told her, “okay, now think of me, and all the fun times we’ve had, and then flash forward 4 years and I kill 6 people, how confused are you going to be?” She replied, “Okay, I totally get it. My first thought would be; “she was so nice, she even made me a cake once!””
So I challenge all of you to think of someone who has had a positive impact in your life. Someone who always built you up, and was excited for you. Then imagine them going on a killing spree, imagine the confusion, and disbelief in your head. How are you to understand that? How are you going to sleep at night? How are you to live with the guilt that you failed your friend by not being there for them? I’m struggling with this every single day. I’m trying to get back to normal, at least a new sense of normal. I’m trying to forgive him, and let my own guilt go. I’m trying to feel the pain of the victims of their families, and apologize for a person I knew, and his senseless act. That’s going to take awhile, I don’t know how long, but it’s a long road ahead. I just have to hold my head high, and put one foot in front of the other, and believe that from this tragedy and the hardships from it, something great is meant to be learned from it.
On a side note- I googled myself one day, and wow, I shouldn’t have done that. What a heap of lies. One article had circulated that I was a republican burying my ties to the Tea Party by claiming Jared was a liberal. If you must know, I’m registered Green Party, and I have a voter card to prove it. Some were saying that I only tweeted after being advised to do so by the media, and got so much money per word. I was tweeting from my home, in my PJ’s for the most part. I didn’t see a dime from anyone, I didn’t ask for a dime either, not even a penny. It would have been easy to expect something like that, considering I’m a struggling student, but I have a little more integrity and class than to do such a thing. I see people blaming Anti-Flag for Jared’s violent actions. Anti- Flag is a band first off. Second, they do nothing but promote peace. I remember when the Terror State came out, we were all enthralled with it. It wasn’t violent. This a band that had kids like me chanting, “Power to the peaceful” They’ve done nothing wrong. They’re some of the most understanding, peaceful, bunch of guys you’ll ever meet, not targets for blame.
It’s amazing how a few little tweets can blow up into a storm of baseless lies. I’ve told you all the truth, exactly as I remember it. If you’re too bored with the truth that you feel you need to make it an elaborate lie, well then I feel sorry for you. To those who feel anger towards Jared, please don’t direct it towards me. I haven’t seen him in four years, I had no idea this was taking place. Furthermore if I had, I have to believe in my heart and soul, I would have done something to try and help him.
To those who have stuck by me, and built me up during this time, I cannot thank you enough, from the bottom of my heart; it has meant the world to me. Many people have said I handled this situation with more grace and class than most people would have Others have said, I have a great spirit, and good heart. I don’t know how you can tell that from Tweets and interviews, but thank you. I have to thank my mom, for instilling those values in me. My mom has told me my whole life, “Life is a series of choices, and every choice has a consequence, and you have to live with the consequences of those actions.” I try and remember that every day, that’s why I try with the utmost of intentions to live a life of truth, honesty, and integrity.
I hope that I have helped you at least if nothing understand that Jared wasn’t always like this. He may be a mass murder, but he was once someone’s friend, he’s someone’s child. That being said, I in no way shape or form condone anything he has done. I find his acts deplorable, and senseless. He really messed up, and he’s going to have to spend the rest of his life realizing that the choices he made weren’t very good, and the consequences of them, cost him the chance at ever leading a normal life, a life outside of a prison.
His demons got the best of him; I hope we all learn something from that. If you see someone acting erratic, or seem off, don’t just write them off as crazy, try and understand them, try to get them help. We can’t put the blame on others if we aren’t willing to make the effort ourselves. Be part of the solution, don’t add drama to the problem. We are the first line of defense against preventing things like this from happening again. It’s time we all step up to the plate, myself included, and be mindful and aware. As Mahatma Gandhi once wisely said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
Thanks for reading,
Caitie Parker
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