Why did the pot call the kettle black?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn’t the company just hire taller dancers? --Fred Allen
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do flamingos stand on only one leg?
Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?
Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on?
Why do people always remember where they were when someone famous was killed? Do they feel perhaps they’ll need an alibi?
Why do people go to the unemployment office to find a job?
Why do pigs have curly tails?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it ‘chili’ if it's hot?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Why do they call it life insurance?
Why do they call it quicksand when it sucks you down slowly?
Why do they call Wednesday hump day, when most people get laid on the weekends?
Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it?
Why do they make cars go so fast its illegal?
Why do they make scented toilet paper?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?
Why do we call them restrooms when no one goes there to rest?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?
Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
Why do wise guy and wise man mean entirely different things?
Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?
Why does a grapefruit look nothing like a grape?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why get even, when you can get odd?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? --Amboy Dukes
Why is a women’s prison called a penal colony?
Why is clear considered a color?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is it that only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles?
Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? --Steven Wright
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why is your index finger the same size as your nostrils?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
All generalizations are false.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Born free...Taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Montana-At least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like the IRS.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
No radio - Already stolen.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges .
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekashun.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Keep honking...I'm reloading.
Caution: I drive like you do.
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...
It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.
Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
|||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!
Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.
Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.
We do precision guesswork.
My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
You know you're old when you walk into an antique store and someone tries to buy you.
"They told me I was gullible...and I believed them!"
A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it has stopped snowing.
Psychiatrists say that one out of five people are mentally ill. If four of your friends are OK, then you're the one.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
Yesterday I knew nothing,----Today I know that.
Smile.... It confuses people!
I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
I'm in love with a girl who doesn't even know I'm alive. She's thinks she got me with her long range rifle, but she missed. - Jonathan Colan -
I work very hard- Please don't expect me to think as well.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Windows: Just another pane.
Two's company.-Three's an orgy.
Wisdom is running after mankind ... but mankind is quicker!
Knowledge was never known to enter the head via an open mouth.
I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't pick on me.
He's as sharp as a beach ball.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy - When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Personally, I've always thought of a chaperone as a person too old to make the team, but still in there intercepting passes.
And a word to the ladies about their appearance. Seems to me, it's far more important to have your "no's" fixed before you worry about fixing your "nose".
Harried wife, figuring at desk, to husband and children: "Well, I worked out a budget. But one of us will have to go."
Husband, peering at a stack of bills: "Well, it's finally happened. There's a payment due on something every day."
Wife to Husband: "All right ! I admit I like to go shopping and spend money... but name one other extravagance."
Wife to husband, working on budget: "Perhaps we could borrow a little every month, and put that aside."
Husband to wife discussing dental bills: "Maybe we get a some kind of book and straighten their teeth ourselves."
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Birthdays are good for you the more you have the longer you live.
Joys of Womanhood
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backward? |
