Questions and Answers on SARS
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ASK DOCTOR VITTACHI
Q and A on SARS
By Nury Vittachi
Q: Is it true that everybody in Hong Kong has been killed by Sars?
A: Yes. Everybody. Every single last person. Well, NEARLY everyone. Well, okay, 00.000001 per cent, which is damn near everyone.
Q: People keep telling me I should keep calm and not panic. Are they correct?
A: Don't listen to such lies. Don't you realize, man, that ON THIS PLANETALONE, several hundred people have died of SARS? If this continues, the entire human race could be wiped out in less than eight hundred million years! If that's not a reason to panic, I don't know what is!
Q: I live about 13 miles away from a building where a person suspected of having SARS may once have visited. How often should I wash my hands?
A: Every two minutes. And remember: NEVER go to the toilet. When the rate of infection has reached zero for ten days, we can return to our lavatories.
Q: Someone in my office sneezed yesterday. So I sacked him and then liquidated the company, putting 40,000 people out of work. Did I over-react?
A: Not at all. I'm calling on governments to re-introduce summary execution for situations just like the one you describe.
Q: Should schools in Hong Kong be reopened?
A: Certainly not. Schools and kindergartens are infested with a particularly noxious and highly infectious pestilence, known to us doctors by the medical term "children".
Q: Is it true that a 70% alcohol solution kills SARS?
A: Yes. You should consume seven to ten units of alcohol a day for health, starting at breakfast. It works for me.
Q: I have been eating fruit and exercising regularly, but cannot persuade my husband to do the same. He just hangs out at the bar of his club all evening.
A: You idiot. Fruit contains almost no alcohol. And exercise speeds up breathing, increasing the chances that you will suck in a SARS microbe. Follow your husband's wonderful example before it is too late.
If you want a full list of the questions - including the politically incorrect ones - contact Nury or read his column in the Far Eastern Economic review. |
