Thx MJ..here's the latest
AL QAEDA NEWSLETTER
A Message from the Director
Ayman al Zawahiri
Director of Change Management
Al Qaeda Industries Worldwide, Inc.
Developed in conjunction with our strategic branding agency FDB&D-Medina, this handsome new organizational logo will help us maintain consumer mindshare and let the world know that we continue on the cutting edge of advanced Jihad technology. Show your team pride by buying official Qaedant logo merchandise from the attached electronic catalog -- including mugs, keffiyas and semtex belts!
PERSONNEL PERSPECTIVES
As you have possibly heard by now, Team Satan and their subsidiary Iraqi Security Forces have made several key market acquisitions in the last few months. In order to meet Q3 Return-on-Mayhem targets and maximize stakeholder value, we need to refocus our client-facing resource model. As we are currently seeking a 17th round of venture funding, budgets are extremely tight, and this will require reducing our internal work team payroll load through adaptive right-sizing on a go-forward basis. Accounting estimates indicate that much of this will be achieved via natural attrition and Apache Hellfire missiles. Still, in order to achieve costing targets, we will need to engage in involuntary outboarding.
The Communications department will be most directly effected by this initiative, as we continue transitioning of our day-to-day public relations efforts to offshore low-cost providers like Huffington Post, DailyKos, and Democratic Underground.
BENEFITS AND YOU
Like many organizations, Qaedant is searching for ways to contain the spiraling cost of associate health care benefits. Working with our insurance provider Mutual of Yemen, we have created a new custom healthcare benefits package for associates that will help cap rising expenses on a forward basis. Starting August 1, this plan will institute a new $2000 copay for outpatient dismemberment services and psychiatric care. The new plan will also cap the number of dependent wives covered, and eliminates the dental record identification benefit. Details are covered in the attached form.
While team heath benefits will be scaled back, we will be offsetting these changes with enhancements to associate retirement plans. For example, I am pleased to announce an exciting new 90-virgin paradise pension package, representing a 25% increase in virgins over our previous plan. Please see your local imam for details.
DIVERSITY DAY
Everyone is invited to Qaedant's first annual Diversity Celebration Fair Wednesday morning at Cave 11-B. Find out how the world's ever-increasing diversity provides a growing strategic opportunity for us to blow up infidels of every color and orientation. HR Team Leader Hassan Abdullah will discuss how Qaedant is expanding martyrdom job search to recruit from traditionally-underserved groups, such as unwilling women. See you at the Fair!
LUNCH CAVE ETIQUETTE
Nobody likes a messy lunch break cave. It's inconsiderate to your fellow Qaedant associates, and the cleaning slaves who have to pick up your falafel wraps and missing limbs. If you have been mortally wounded and are bleeding uncontrollably, please go to the designated dying area near the scrap metal pile in parking lot D.
MILESTONES
Congratulations to Khalid Muhsin and Hussein Mustafa for reaching their three month service anniversaries. Please drop by their desk and thank them for a survival well done. And please -- no ribbing the "old timers!"
In other personnel news, please join me in congratulating the following associates who have been promoted to martyr:
Abu Laith al-Libi
Abu Suleiman al Otaibi
Hassan Muhammed
Abu Khalaf
Abu Sulayman Jazairi
Mohammed Atef
Mohammed Yahya al-Rahmani
Aden Hashi Ayro
Abdullah Ali Afra
Abu Mohamed
Entire Newsletter at iowahawk.typepad.com |
