Oh oh
Message 15586141
BS NEWSWIRE
WRLB & Associates Corporation -- In what President Weaner Rumberger called "an unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors," the WRLB & Associates Corporation has announced a 14 trillion dollar lawsuit against Microsoft Corporation in their attempt to null and void the WRLB patents on the numbers 1 and 0.
Rumberger said, "Despite not having any operations for the past year, we have continued and will continue to maintain our patent rights, and will continue to protect them in any manner possible."
Rumberger went on to say, "We have huge cash reserves and our cash burn is now down to 0. If Microsoft wants to take us on they better be ready."
WRLB & Associates Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday February 1999.
With the patent, WRLB & Associate's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and ones--the mathematical building blocks of all computer languages and programs--unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per digit used is paid to the internet giant.
"WRLB & Associates has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its inception," President Weaner Rumberger told reporters. "In the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals."
Despite the swarm of protest, President Weaner Rumberger is standing his ground, maintaining that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of WRLB & Associates.
"We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally ours," President Weaner Rumberger said. "Among WRLB & Associate's vast historical archives are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular notation, or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept of _al-sifr_, or 'the cipher'; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's _Being And Nothingness_. Should the need arise, WRLB & Associates will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department, a division WRLB & Associates, or anyone else that we own the rights to these numbers."
Added President Weaner Rumberger: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in the world."
According to experts, the full ramifications of WRLB & Associates's patenting of one and zero have yet to be realized.
"Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and zero, WRLB & Associates may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the concepts of existence and nonexistence," Yale University theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much everything."
Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which WRLB & Associates may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental numbers like pi. WRLB & Associates lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this week.
WRLB & Associates has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as walking, stretching and smiling.
In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday, President Weaner Rumberger expressed confidence that his company's latest move will, ultimately, benefit all humankind.
"Think of this as a partnership," President Weaner Rumberger said. "Like the ones and zeroes of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise of the computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most powerful internet company, WRLB & Associates is number one. And you, the millions of consumers who use our products, are the zeroes." |
