Dear Valuepro,
Ahhhh, the Isle of Crude.
I always wax very lyrically about my little island.
It is absolutely idyllic here. It only rains when we are asleep, the sun shines from seven in the morning till ten at night and the temperature is a constant 24 degrees centigrade. The beach is a dream with palm trees for shade and drinks are served just by just wishing for them.
We don't age and the people here live in total harmony with each other. Not a discordant word is ever exchanged.
We also have a stock exchange. One of the rules we instituted is that share prices are not allowed to go down, so they don't. Hence why we are all multi millionaires!
Our mine, Stope, is unique. It is an alchemists' utopia. We simply throw paper, grass or anything else that is handy down the shaft, shout the magic formula adding the name of the metal or mineral we desire and a few minutes later up it comes.
But before you rush out to get a passport and airline ticket please note that we have very strict immigration regulations. I won't bore you with all the details but one of them is that you must be beautiful of either sex (we are politically correct over here) though our immigration officer, over zealous at times and many times admonished for deserting his post for what he calls 'a quick one', is known to give immigrants a grope. If an appendage is found he, invariably, refuses them entry.
As we are all alcoholics and nicotine addicts I haven't the heart to chastise him principally because he is also the local brewer, distiller, cigarette manufacturer and cigar roller and I fear that to upset him may well shatter our peaceful, tranquil and harmonious existence.
We also strictly enforce Regulation 1 of Law 1,1899: only the Headman, the Big Shot (outside Crude probably called the Big Shit), the Governor, the President, the CEO, the King, the Emperor, well, in short, me is allowed to post messages on websites such as SI.
And there is also our investment strategy which is usually conducted lying on our backs, due to an inability to stand on our feet, and consists of staring through a fug of smoke at the ceiling. We then play word games such as "Simon?" "Yes, Unox." "I am thinking of a word starting with F." The price then was C$2.60.
As you note, it is a tough life here on the Isle of Crude.
Best wishes,
Crudestope.
P.S. The F word was 'feathers'. Unox noticed a hen which had just flown in to settle on one of the rafters. |
