Dear Conservative Free-Market Capitalism Muckety Mucks,
Ninety-one days ago I gave you thirty days to fix the U.S. economy that you broke:
I'm just a simple, average citizen who has listened to you jawbone for decades---amplified non-stop by Fox News, CNBC, the Wall Street Journal and right-wing radio---about how perfect your system of "unfettered everything" is. How greed is good and regulation is the devil's work. And yet, you seem to be strangely ineffective at fixing it when it breaks. Could it be you've been bullshitting us all along? ...
Fix the damn economy on Main Street already, you Ayn Rand-worshipping free-market capitalist wizards. Show us how it's done. Be the heroes we've been holding out for.
Bummer. You couldn’t do it, even with a two-month extension. Not even close. Instead of rolling up your sleeves and getting to work, all you've done is continue pointing your fingers at the Big Bad Government---the one that statistics confirm single-handedly saved your asses from Great Depression II---and whine. Hell, even your Savior of All Things Economic, Grover "Ayn Rand With a Beard" Norquist, couldn’t convince voters in Washington and Maine that your ideas were worth a bucket of warm spit.
Oh, sure, Wall Street is thriving, in large measure because they're up to their old backroom book-cooking tricks again. (I did challenge you to work your magic "honestly, ethically and legally," remember?) But Main Street is still tanking. So I guess it's true---you've been bullshitting us all along.
That doesn't sit well with me. Because, see, I've been programmed by Frank Luntz and the GOP spin machine to think of two things when I hear the word conservative: fiscal competence and defense. You fucked up the defense part real good. And now you've failed to prove your worth on the economy. I mean, good gracious Gerty, I gave you 90 days and look at what you did: in what should've been your moment of triumph, you dithered.
I'm sorry, but until one of your mad scientists can create a clone of Ronald Reagan to set things aright, I'm going to have to assume you're not really capable of fixing the economy. Or much of anything at all.
With great sadness, as I was this close to jumping ship,
Billy
P.S. I miss Jerry Ford. Try and bring him back, too, please. Herculean farter. I like that. |
