Had enough, Xybernaut?
The following draft news release is believed to have been left behind by former Xybernaut information minister Dodi Handy, known in the West as "Comical Dodi."
For Immediate Release
Information Minister of Xybernaut Dodi Handy today released the terms of surrender to the coalition infidels who claim to have shorted Xybernaut stock. The terms are as follows:
1. Invading infidel sort seller forces must stop pretending that statues of President Newman have been torn down throughout Yahoo and Ragingbull. As the Information Xybernaut Minister I condemn the use of such trick photography. Why don't American shortseller networks start showing real news clips like we showed the media the other day? Especially the one of our President receiving an award for heroism at Xybernaut Airport -- which is still under our control after the heroic defence by the Yahoo Xybernaut message board Republican Tout Guard.
2. All Xybernaut looters must be shot on sight. Most of them are American shortsellers in civilian clothes anyway. They are stealing property that rightfully belongs to Ed Newman and he is getting very angry. Besides, the television clips will definitely hurt tourism.
3. There can be no more talk of regime change at Xybernaut. France and Canada still oppose it and so do I.
4. Xybernaut television must be put back on the air. We insist that Mark Bergman play a major role, but when it comes to Christina, I draw a line in the sand. I have my standards.
5. The Xybernaut people will never agree to a democracy. That American-orchestrated-shortselling conference of Xybernaut dissidents in Ur was a farce. As most of the world knows, you can't force people to have a vote.
That is the beauty of Xybernaut's system of government. One person, one vote. That person is Newman.
6. The running dogs of American shortselling capitalism must stop beaming their cable news propaganda into Xybernaut. And I know propaganda when I see it. I must ensure that Xybernians are never exposed to such blatant pro-American shortseller networks as Bloomberg. Do not even get me started on Washington Post.
7. With regard to the surrender ceremony, I have sold the Arab offshore financing broadcast rights of the signing ceremony to Donner Corp. However, if Americans shortsellers insist on their own news anchor, Newman will only speak with Dan Rather. Although he can be strange and occasionally emotional, at least Mr. Rather does not interrupt. President Newman has left me specific instructions not to allow Dan7 to pose questions to him. He has no tears left for his country.
8. The surrender ceremony should take place at the presidential Newman palace in Virginia. Once they surrender, the infidel shortselling forces should turn themselves in to the Xybernaut civilians in the audience -- who will grant them safe escort from Xybernaut. Trust me. Have I ever lied to you before?
9. Senior Xybernaut officials will never agree to exile. But if such an absurdity is one day realized, then it must be in the public company of our choice.
At one point we were leaning toward Xybernaut France but now with Jacques Chirac begging George Bush to be friends again, we are not so sure. Besides, French waiters have a reputation for rudeness. I personally will never go. I would rather lie down by the rivers of Babylon with the flea-bitten . . ."
At this point, the release ends.
Ms. Dodi Handy has disappeared. Rumours are that he may have fled to Hong Kong to take up his new post as China's director of medical information.
TheTruthseeker, is not a a communications consultant, and is president of Nothing. |
