Partisan Pols Compare War Wounds
08/24/04 CRAWFORD, Texas
In a surprise conference at President George Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas, four famous warrior/politicians compared their respective war wounds today.
The show-and-tell began with Georgia Democrat Max Cleland, a triple amputee who literally left an arm and two legs in Vietnam. Displaying his stumps, Cleland challenged Republican columnist Ann Coulter, who disparaged his disability in her syndicated column, to a game of Twister.
"Oh, that's right," Cleland joked. "I can't play Twister because I don't have any legs. And Ann Coulter can't play Twister because she's a snake."
Next came Republican Bob Dole, who lost the use of his right arm while serving in World War II. Dole suggested that severe wounds like his are deserving of the Purple Heart medal, but that minor wounds like those suffered by presidential candidate John Kerry aren't.
"The only thing my right arm is good for is holding up this pen," Dole, a spokesman for Viagra, chided as he nodded towards the ever-present writing utensil. "And just look at how erect it is."
Kerry responded by dropping his custom-tailored trousers and pointing out a jagged scar on his upper left thigh. "To this day I carry Viet Cong shrapnel right here, in my ass..er, thigh, which served its country with distinction in Vietnam. It still gives me significant pain on rainy days. And on cold days. And during election campaigns."
Kerry had further proof of his sacrifice in the form of a ragged and worn x-ray. "This x-ray was taken while I served our nation in Vietnam," Kerry trumpeted. "If you look closely, the shrapnel is shaped exactly like a map of Valley Forge, where I spent a harrowing Christmas serving our nation during the Nixon administration."
Last but not least, President Bush pulled out two x-rays of his own.
"Look here, boys," Bush said, proudly holding up the first x-ray. "These here are two dental fillings I got serving our nation in the Alabama National Guard. See? Didn't even use any anastasia on me.
"But that's nothin'," the president continued, holding up the second x-ray. "This here's my liver. My poor old liver. Nearly drank myself to death down there.
"Pretty darned impressive, huh?"
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