Some resolutions for Bush fans, foes
James Lileks - Newhouse News Service
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
It's going to be a long 2004 for the George W. Bush haters. To help them along in the months to come, we present New Year's resolutions for avid Bush detesters, and a few for his fans as well. Start with the foes:
I resolve to examine at least one of the president's statements, acts, gestures or facial expressions without first insisting it proves that the man is a stupid chimp evil liar plastic-turkey-holding DRAFT DODGER MY GOD CAN'T YOU PEOPLE SEE HIM FOR WHAT HE IS?
I resolve to consider that not everything Bush says is a lie. Example: If Bush says that ''two plus two equals four,'' I will not spit, ''Oh, that's Enron math,'' and spend the rest of the day rebalancing my checkbook in Base Eight.
I resolve to grasp the absurdity of appearing on national talk shows to insist that our freedom of speech has disappeared.
I resolve to be more precise in my language. When I am tempted to criticize the administration for being ''pre-emptive,'' I will recall that arresting all the hijackers on Sept. 10, 2001, would have been, well, pre-emptive, and that I might well have protested this indefensible act of ''profiling.''
I resolve to let at least a minute pass before I accuse the administration of contemptuous high-handedness toward our allies. By which I mean France. I resolve to ask myself whether my attachment to French approval is analogous to a high school chess geek mooning after the lovely but haughty cheerleader who regards everyone with bemused contempt. She winked once. That was weeks ago. Was it all a tease?
I resolve to accept the election returns, and not spend my precious mortal allotment in the humid chambers of the Internet message boards, insisting that BushCo obviously stole the election in 46 states. Perhaps Howard Dean will lose because he suggested that the governor of a toy-sized state knew more about the military and foreign policy than a man whose policies toppled the Taliban in Afghanistan and the Baathists of Iraq, and brought Libya to heel.
Meanwhile, I resolve to admit I'd be delighted to impeach Bush for lying to a grand jury. Even about sex. Especially about sex.
Now, for Bush fans:
Whenever I believe that the president always and only acts from high-minded principle, I resolve to say the words ''steel tariffs'' and ''campaign finance reform bill'' in a soft, regretful voice. I resolve to recall the new prescription drug benefit, which sounds nice now but is an entitlement that will grow until it mandates government-funded Pepto-Bismol on tap in every house. And I really, truly resolve not to wish the whole ''nukyular'' pronunciation thing didn't dismay me at the molekyular level.
I resolve not to worry that things will go so well that people feel comfortable voting for a Hillary-Clark ticket in '08. What if they recycle the '92 mantras, and cosset a quiescent public with the empty promise of ''change'' for the mere sake of change? Will we turn over our security to the same crew of internationalists and appeasers? No!
Resolved: We jump off that bridge when we come to it.
Finally: I resolve not to gloat. This bitter partisanship is destructive to our nation. No gloating in November.
Resolved: Save the gloating for Inauguration Week! |
