friday's funnies...
Bad Excuses for Speeding
1. My brakes weren't working, officer, but hey what do ya know...they're working just fine now...
2. Do you mind, officer, I'm missing Wheel-of-Fortune...
3. If you'd be willing to look the other way this one time, officer, I'd make it worth your while...say, a rent one get one free coupon for Skippy's Video Galore?...
4. I was just making sure that your radar gun was working properly. 88 MPH, you say? Yep, it's in perfect condition...
5. I'm sorry, officer, but I'm rushing my wife to the hospital. Where's my wife? Damnit, I knew I forgot something!...
6. I'm rushing home to answer the telephone...
7. I just took a laxative. Now either let me go or watch me go, your choice...
8. I'm employed by O.J. Simpson and I'm in hot pursuit of the real killer...
9. Don't talk to me, officer, talk to K.I.T. ...
....And the worst excuse when stopped for speeding:
10. The devil made me do it...
Castaways
There are three people. They are stranded on an island.
They want to get away by swimming to the main land. The first person tries but can only swim 1/4 the distance and then drowns. The second person tries, but gets only 1/2 the way, so the person drowns. The third person gets 1/2 way and then gets tired, so she goes back...
A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a
talking dog," he said, "and you can have him for five dollars." The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There's no such animal." Suddenly, the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel.
He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times." "Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"
"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies..."
Noteable Quotes...
> "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
> relationships."
> -- Sharon Stone
>
> "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
> Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
> -- Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)
>
> "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's
> reading."
> -- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
>
> "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee the
> natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
> -- Dan Rather (News anchorman)
>
> "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
> 'Thyroid problem?'"
> -- Arnold Schwarzenegger
>
> "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're
> in."
> -- Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")
>
> "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black
men.
> "Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
> -- Tiger Woods
>
> "Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive
> scrotum!'
> -- Patricia Arquette
>
> "I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in
> poverty.
> Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently
> doing quite well for themselves."
> -- Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
>
> "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
> by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
> -- Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)
>
> "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
> turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
> -- Rev. Jesse Jackson
>
> "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
> -- Jack Nicholson
>
> "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
> but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
> -- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)...
The two little boys were sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looked over at the father with a wink and a nod toward the stairs to the bedroom. The father got the message. They got up and headed towards the stairs. The mother turned back and said, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back. OK?"
The boys nodded as the parents went upstairs. The older son was old enough to know what was going on, got up and tiptoed up the stairs. At the top, he peeked into his parent’s room, shook his head disapprovingly, and went back
downstairs to his little brother. "Come with me," he said. The two boys tiptoed up the stairs. Halfway up,
the older brother turned to his younger brother and said, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our asses for sucking our thumbs."
> Bubba
> >>
> >> Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had
> >come.
> >> So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the
> >baby.
> >>
> >> She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said,
> >> "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!"
> >>
> >> Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
> >> "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little
> >girl.
> >> He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter!"
> >>
> >> Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the we still ain't
> finished!"
> >> The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had
> >> yourself another boy!
> >>
> >> When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat
> down
> >> with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember that night that we ran out
> of
> >> Vaseline and we had to use that 3-in-1 Oil?"
> >>
> >> She said, "Yeah, I do."
> >>
> >> Bubba said, "Mama, it's a damn good thing we didn't use no WD-40!...
and finally...
> >Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he
> can
> >help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles
> >and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right," she says.
> >
> >A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The
> >wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to
> >the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the
> >dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is
> amazed!
> >
> >Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his
> >buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.
> The
> >woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the
> closet
> >again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's
> testicles.
> >Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
> >
> >The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the
> >bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror
> >and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and
> >as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his
> >dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy,
> I
> >don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place...
be sure to enter "THE MINE" for the best investment ideas and trades on monday...
have a toasty weekend and hug a loved one...
pops |
