Making Whoopee for the Republic
By Christopher Buckley The Washington Post
WASHINGTON - Governor George W. Bush of Texas announced today
that he will seek the Republican nomination in the year 2000, and that
he currently maintains ''sexual relations with 46 female interns, and not
a one of 'em [is] old enough to vote.''
Standing before a cheering throng of supporters on the steps of the
state capitol building, Mr. Bush announced that he would run on a
platform of education, crime and free love.
Steve Forbes interrupted a discussion of tax policy on the Lehrer
NewsHour last night to declare that he ''routinely engages'' in ''wild
orgies'' with members of his political action committee staff.
William Bennett, while promoting his new best-seller, ''The Book of
Vices: Great Stories from Aristophanes to Arianna on Creative
Degeneracy,'' said that he was ''leaning toward running for president,
and as president would name only Sports Illustrated swimsuit models
to the Supreme Court.''
Jack Kemp told a convention of Baptist ministers today that the reason
he fared so poorly during his 1996 debate with Vice President Al Gore
was that he had been distracted by a woman ''sitting in the front row
with empowerment zones like Mount Sinai.''
The former housing secretary said he would decide whether to run in
2000 after consulting with members of his escort service.
Former Vice President Dan Quayle said today that, contrary to his
previous statements, he did have an affair with
blonde ''lobbyist'' Paula Parkinson when he was a senator. ''I knew
Paula Parkinson,'' he told USA Today. ''She was a friend of mine. And
Paula Jones is no Paula Parkinson.''
Mr. Quayle said that he would also campaign for ''eliminating taxes and
withdrawing American troops from Botswana.'' An aide later clarified
that he meant Bosnia.
Patrick J. Buchanan formally entered the 2000 presidential election
today, declaring that he has ''done more fornicating in the last month
alone than the rest of those weenies [the Republican challengers] have
since high school.''
Speaking at a crowded topless bar in Manchester, New Hampshire,
Mr. Buchanan called for trade barriers, repeal of the assault weapon
ban and subsidies for U.S. condom manu-facturers.
Former Governor William Weld threw his hat into the presidential ring
today, announcing that he has ''had'' more than 10,000 women. Mr.
Weld, a classics scholar, noted that many of the greatest Roman
emperors had died of heart attacks during orgies or from venereal
disease, ''and just look at the infrastructure they left behind.''
Lamar Alexander and his wife appeared on the program ''60 Minutes''
last night in an effort to dispel rumors that he was not having an affair
with a University of Tennessee sophomore.
In what political watchers say is an indication that he, too, will seek
the Republican nomination, the televangelist Pat Robertson said today
on his ''700 Club'' program that he had ''gone over the Good Book with a
fine-toothed comb, and nowhere does it say that a man can't have a
little harmless fun around the office.''
Vice President Gore's popularity is reported to be plunging amid
mounting Republican charges that he has been faithful to his wife.
The writer, editor of Forbes FYI magazine, contributed this comment to
The Washington Post. |
