England Expects
By EURSOC Two
29 October, 2004
Just how would Admiral Nelson fare in Blair's Royal Navy? In a week when it was revealed that one of Her Majesty's Ships has had to set aside a prayer room for use by a Satanist, Fainting in Coyles has an hilarious reenactment of life on an ocean wave with HMS Appeasement.
Just don't forget to make room for the diversity co-ordinators, the legal aid lawyers and the race relations advisors.
Nelson in Blair's Britain...
"Fainting in Coyles blog"
It's almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory overThe French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the Anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed forPictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed to board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral's uniform.
How Nelson would have fared if he had been subject to modern health and safety regulations.
You are now on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship, HMS Appeasement.
"Order the signal, Hardy."
"Aye, aye sir."
"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What'sthe meaning of this?"
"Sorry sir?"
"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race,gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"
"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunitiesemployer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-freeworking environments."
"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of theGovernment's policy on binge drinking."
"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Fullspeed ahead."
"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle inhistory. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
"That won't be possible, sir."
"What?"
"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. Andthey said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't letanyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse evento hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in theareas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't letthe crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the mento stand by to engage the enemy."
"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
"What? This is mutiny."
"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being chargedwith murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
"Actually, sir, we're not."
"We're not?"
"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partnersnow. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you sayingthat sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomyand the lash?"
"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban oncorporal punishment."
"What about sodomy?"
"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
"In that case ... kiss me, Hardy."
Hat tip - my sibling in Pompey |
