friday's funnies...
Now, this sounds like the government!
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount." However, in modern government, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing Riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living impaired."
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position....
Sweaty Religious Men...
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one very
hot day. They were sweating and exhausted when they came
upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took
off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Refreshed,
the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their
"freedom." As they were crossing an open area, along came a
group of ladies from town.
The men ran for cover, with the minister and priest
covering their privates and the rabbi covering his face.
After the ladies were gone and the men had retrieved their
clothes, the minister asked the rabbi why he covered his
face and not his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY
congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
> Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun
> > > > advertised for a new
> > > > Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for
> > > > the job: a Japanese, a
> > > > Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
> > > >
> > > > "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
> > > > The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny
> > > > box and released a fly.
> > > > He drew his samurai sword and swish, the fly fell to
> > > > the floor, neatly cut in
> > > > two!
> > > >
> > > > "What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai,
> > > > show me what you can
> > > > do."
> > > >
> > > > The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped
> > > > forward and opened a tiny
> > > > box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and
> > > > swish, swish. The fly
> > > > fell to the floor neatly quartered !
> > > >
> > > > "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you
> > > > going to top that,
> > > > number three Samurai?"
> > > >
> > > > Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny
> > > > box releasing one fly,
> > > > drew his Samurai sword and swoooooosh flourished his
> > > > sword, so mightily that
> > > > a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was
> > > > still buzzing around !
> > > > In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of
> > > > skill is that? The fly
> > > > isn't even dead."
> > > >
> > > > "Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is
> > > > easy. Circumcision ..
> > > > THAT takes skill !" >>
and finally...
Did you ever wonder where some of our every-day phrases come from?
An educational diversion....
Life in the 1500s
Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the
water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things
used to be....
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly
bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they
were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide
the body odor.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other
sons
and men, then the women and finally the children--last of all the
babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in
it--hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs--thick straw, piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the
dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, rats, and bugs) lived in
the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals
would slip and fall off the roof--hence the saying "It's raining cats
and
dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This
posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts
and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how
canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt,
hence the saying "dirt poor."
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when
wet, so they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As
the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you
opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood
was placed in the entryway-- hence, a "thresh hold."
They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over
the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They
ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the
stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and
then
start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had
been
there for quite a while--hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas
porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." Sometimes they
could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show
off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit
around
and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid
content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the
next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of
wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were
made from stale paysan bread which was so old and hard that they could
use them for quite some time.
Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold got
into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy moldy trenchers,
one
would get "trench mouth."
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom
of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or
"upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking
along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the
family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they
would wake up-hence the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and they started out running out of places to
bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, one
out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and
they
realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would
tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and
up
through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out
in
the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell;
thus,
someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer".
hope your having a great weekend...
pops |
