friday's funnies...
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too...
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the
air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were
approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the
pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth
until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter,
one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked
for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?" The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These Would NEVER Happen In The Deep South!
*You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
* You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a
flyswatter.
* Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
* You burn your yard rather than mow it.
* The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
* You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
* You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
* You come back from the dump with more than you took.
* You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
* You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
* You have a rag for a gas cap.
* You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
* Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
* Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
* Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take the wheels off.
* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth
of home improvements...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and finally...
What's New on TV?
Television shows that may be appearing soon as a result of the electronic and computer age:
*Modem, She Wrote: Each week, our intrepid detective tries to
solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem won't ever connect
at 56k...
*Micro-CHiPs: Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway...
*T. J. Hacker: A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to
James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the
miscreants who canceled his TV show...
*The Excel Files: Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there...
*The AOL-Team: Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape,
and Mr. T unite to promote corporate mergers and make the
world safe for capitalism...
*Magnum, PC: This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii. Season finale cliff-hanger: Will Deep Blue be seduced by the wily charms of the Texas Instruments Speak 'n' Spell?...
*The Incredible Bulk: The exciting adventures of Windows, which just keeps growing and growing...
Buffy the Virus Slayer: Buffy and her fearless gang of antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files - no small feat while wearing a halter top and high-heeled boots...
have a great holiday weekend...
good fortune...
pops |
