A Good Laugh:
5/18/2006
Jay Leno: “Well, President Bush talked to the nation tonight in a primetime address earlier this evening. Which is a refreshing change, Americans listening to the President as opposed to the President listening to Americans.”
Jay Leno: “In his speech, he outlined a plan to start patrolling the US/Mexican border using members of the National Guard. He said that this will give us the most secure border in the world. One weekend a month and two full weeks each summer.”
Jay Leno: “As you know, this will replace our old method of border security, the honor system.”
Jay Leno: “He also said if the guards meet with any resistance, they have orders to shoot on the spot any Wal-Mart executives that interfere.”
Jay Leno: “On Thursday, the President will follow up his speech by going to the Arizona border, which will be historic. It will be the first time he's ever actually showed up with a National Guard unit.”
Jay Leno: “According to the latest Harris Poll, President Bush's approval rating now at 29%. In fact, it is so bad, yesterday on Mother's Day, Barbara Bush refused to take his call.”
Jay Leno: “See, here's the part I don't understand. The day before, his approval rating was 31%. Now, it's 29%. What happened overnight? People don't like the way he slept?”
Jay Leno: “And since when is 29% considered an approval rating? Isn't that more of a disapproval rating?”
Jay Leno: “Maybe he should at some point just stop doing the job all together and see if it goes up.”
Jay Leno: “You know what phone number you dial to reach the NSA? Any number at all. They're right there. You pick up, they're right on the line.”
Jay Leno: “The government now has this secret program to track every single phone call being made in the United States. So guys, next time you dial something like 1-800-hot girls, that heavy breathing you hear on the line could be Dick Cheney.”
Jay Leno: “In fact, earlier tonight, President Bush announced a new program that combines the NSA and illegal aliens in a guest listener program.”
Jay Leno: “President Bush said the only reason they're listening to our phone calls is for security reasons. Okay, okay. Let's say it is security, well, what if the Amish are planning something, huh?”
Jay Leno: “NBC aired their last episode of ‘The West Wing.’ ‘The West Wing is over. Yeah, last night. Well, we're not worried. See, we have another show I think is much closer to the real president. ‘My Name is Earl.’”
David Letterman: “Last night was the season finale of ‘West Wing.’ It’s gone, did you realize that, that's it for ‘West Wing,’ and ABC has cancelled ‘Commander in Chief,’ so now the only fictional president is Bush.”
David Letterman: “President Bush addressed the United States about immigration. And this is odd, during the speech he laid out his proposal and then he tried to hold his breath for nine minutes.”
David Letterman: “President Bush is sending National Guard members to the Mexican border. I'm telling you, between Iraq and the Mexican border, the National Guard is stretched tighter than Joan Rivers' face.” |
