BUSH FILLS REMAINING CABINET POSTS WITH SELF
Introduces Self Seven Times in White House Ceremony
borowitzreport.com
Breaking News
November 17, 2004
Breaking with time-honored tradition, President George W. Bush announced today that he would fill all remaining Cabinet positions for his second term with himself.
Aides to the president said that the goal of appointing himself to the seven vacant positions was to achieve greater harmony within his Cabinet, and also to limit the number of people who could possibly write tell-all memoirs at a later date.
In addition to serving as president, Mr. Bush will now occupy many other senior positions in his administration including Secretary of Defense, Secretary of the Treasury, Secretary of Labor, and Postmaster General.
The president chose himself to head every available Cabinet-level department with the exception of the Environment Protection Agency, a job that the president said "was for losers."
In his historic announcement at the White House, Mr. Bush introduced himself seven times to reporters and said that in his first official act as Treasury Secretary he would change the motto on U.S. coins and currency from "E Pluribus Unum" to "My Way or the Highway."
Dr. Edwin Kragen, a professor of political science at the University of Minnesota, said that the president's decision to hire himself seven times may turn out to be his boldest stroke to date.
"While he may not get the diversity of opinion one wants at Cabinet meetings, on the positive side, he won't need as many chairs and glasses of water," Dr. Kragen said.
Elsewhere, at the New York Stock Exchange yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney rose eight dollars a share in active trading.
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