When I lived in Texas, and claimed that I had a little spread called "Downtown Dallas," People would say I was "All hat and no cattle."
This September 11 proved to be all beard and no jihad
By Mark Steyn
(Filed: 20/09/2003) Telegraph
Look at this," said Sulayman abu Ghaith, tossing the Guardian down on the table. The headline read "Al-Qa'eda Issues A Chilling Warning" and the opening sentence was stark: "A new tape purporting to be from Osama bin Laden's al-Qa'eda network yesterday threatened an onslaught against Americans so devastating it would obliterate memories of the September 11 suicide attacks."
"You can't buy publicity like that!" crowed Sulayman. "We will rain down death upon the Great Satan!" But I wasn't the only non-executive director of al-Qa'eda to be unimpressed.
"That's exactly what you said at last year's AGM," scoffed Walid. "Only then it was the Observer you were tossing down on the table and it was all about a `series of spectacular attacks on American targets to coincide with the anniversary of September 11'. And nothing happened. And now it's the anniversary of the anniversary and still nothing's happened. We're a joke. All beard and no jihad."
"Now hold on," said a strange voice from across the room. "It's true that technically none of the claims in Sulayman's press releases holds up, but I stand 100 per cent behind the broad thrust of his statement, which is that sooner or later something's bound to happen to somebody somewhere that could very possibly have some slender connection with us, or a friend of ours, or a friend of a friend.
"What's important now is that as an organisation we stand firm against Walid's extraordinary unprecedented pre-planned attack on our integrity, praise be to Allah," added the shifty looking infidel.
"Who the hell's this guy?" said Walid.
"Gentlemen," said Sulayman. "I want you to meet our new Director-General of Communications, Greg Dyke, formerly of the BBC."
"Obviously," continued Mullah Dyke, "the title of Sulayman's statement - `Osama bin Laden To Slaughter Tens Of Thousands Of Infidels This Fourth Of July' - did, to a certain extent, play fast and loose with the facts. But that's the risk of early-morning press releases, when you're up against the pressure of having to type live, with no Tipp-Ex at hand. But I'm confident the main substance of the report will stand up."
"Which is more than Osama can," said Hafiz.
"Cut that out!" snapped Sulayman. "Sheikh Osama can't be with us today because he, er, has a dental appointment… " "You mean his dental records have an appointment," scoffed Abdel. "With the forensics lab."
" …but he has sent along a new video," said Sulayman, clicking the "Play" button.
"Wow, he looks fabulous!" I said. "Is he on Atkins?" "For the love of Allah!" said Hafiz. "He's wearing a cheesecloth shirt with a Captain and Tennille LP tucked under his arm. At the rate we're using up the archive footage, the next one'll be black and white."
"Well," said Mullah Dyke, "we do have a new promotional item. You know the big British movie Calendar Girls?" "The one with all the ripe infidel whores standing around naked with carefully positioned jam jars obscuring their front bottoms?"
"Exactly. Well, may I present Calendar Bin. You want something with a verifiable date on? Here it is: the 2004 Osama calendar. Here's January's provocative picture of Osama entirely nude with only a leaf covering his weapon of mass destruction." He held up a picture of a tree.
"Where's Osama?" asked Walid.
"He's behind the tree," said Sulayman, "but he's completely naked. Honestly. Look, you can see his bare arm sticking out on the right side."
"And here's February's erotic scene," said Mullah Dyke. "Osama yet again totally starkers." He held up a picture of a camel. "Look, between the humps, you can see his arm poking up."
"It's a completely different arm from the one sticking out from the tree," Ibrahim pointed out. "This jihad's going nowhere. Our fourth-quarter results stink. In Morocco, Saudi and that attack on the bigshot Shi'ite, we've killed more Muslims than Americans."
"Well, that's part of our diversification strategy," said Sulayman. "We're expanding from our core business of killing infidels and repositioning ourselves as the market leader in killing Muslims.
"The other good news is that Saudi Arabia has launched a clampdown on the lascivious Jewish Barbie, so the market may be just right for a Wahhabi doll." He tossed the Jewish Barbie in her shameful clothes on the boardroom table. "Any ideas?"
"When are we going to blow up another US warship?" demanded Hafiz.
I held up the Jewish Barbie. "Hey, did you hear the Pentagon's introduced a boat even we can blow up? They crossed a battleship with a lascivious Jewess and got a ship that goes down every time."
Nobody laughed. "You did that one last year," said Sulayman.
telegraph.co.uk |
