Some old - some new.
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Thirty thoughts to make you smile -
> 1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.....
He thought he was God and I didn't.
> 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
> 3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
> 4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
> 5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
> 6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
> 7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
> 8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
> 9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
> 10.. I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.
> 11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
> 12.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
> 13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
> 14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
> 15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
> 16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
> 17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
> 18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
> 19.. Procrastinate Now!
> 20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
> 21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
> 22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
> 23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
> 24.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
> 25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
> 26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
> thousand times the memory.
> 27.. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
> for a pig.
> 28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
> 29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
> 30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
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GREAT HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze
button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will
forget about the tooth ache.
AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life
really are:
You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it
should, use WD-40 If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
Everyone only seems normal until you get to know them.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never
know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
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1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer |
